my mind, it's stronger then my heart.


You know, it doesn't even matter whether you publish this on your blog or not. I just need someone out there to know my story, even though that someone has no clue who I am.

My relationships with the opposite sex has never been great. I was sexually abused by my mother's boyfriend and my grandfather over a course of several years. My first serious boyfriend was a complete jerk, who constantly told me that I was nothing but a whore. Needless to say, what self esteem I did have was completely battered.

But then I met this boy and I loved him so much. He was so perfect for me and in his arms, I felt safe. I felt beautiful, and that was the first time I had ever felt that way in my whole entire life. For the entire three years of our relationship, we saw each other nearly every second day and spoke on the phone for hours every night. It felt like we had the rest of our lives to be together.

But ultimately, my crushed self esteem would always attack me when I least suspected and this lead to insensitive and selfish behaviour, lots of accusations such as "you think that I'm not good enough for you". But he was always so patient and took it all, stood by me, and reassured me that I was beautiful.

I am so frustrated with myself, with my behaviour and my attitude. So I ended the relationship with him today.

I want that boy to know that I loved him so much that it hurts. That I want him to experience a relationship with a girl who isn't so self destructive. I want him to be happy. But most of all, I want him back.

The problem is that I can't just do that. My mind, it's stronger then my heart.


Benjis in town and the pans got a new seat

Benji arrived today with his shovel all the way from sunny Florida to come visit for a while 3400 miles on his way to the west coast to see the ocean lookin the other way. Today I Also put a new and improved seat on Robins PAN oh she is comfy now. Kelly did the upholstery and man is he good check him out at SWEET SEATS It is rad to see benji's bike again espesially next to the pan it looks like it is it baby.

today I...

I am a little sad that my job is ending
It's been a long time coming but "unemployment" is a little scary
I am wishful..wanting to know all the answers
but I am trying to be content knowing that there has to be a plan for me
I am grateful for all the opportunities I've been given
and hope to always realize how lucky I am.
I am so blessed to have a loving, caring and wonderful family
their support and guidance have meant a great deal to me.
I wouldn't feel safe without them right now.
I really love Matthew.
He stayed up late editing my grad school essays with me and didn't complain once.
He means so much to me.
I am grateful for my life
and I'm going to try my hardest to accept the uncertainty
and dream of all the possibilities and somehow make them a reality.

Thank you to all my readers. You are the sweetest group of people and I'm so honored to be a part of your lives. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for being here!


you don't need...


look book: all tied up

skirt American Apparel, t JCrew, shoes Aldo, sunglasses Tom Ford, belt random scarf,
ring compliments of Chelsea Gwynne

I'm sure many of you know the beautiful Chelsea Gwynne. She's an extremely talented accessories designer, who hand-makes the most lovely and avant-garde jewelry. She sent me this sweet little ring and I've been wearing it nonstop. Looking at it, I see a heart. Do you?

Today is spring break at the school {yay!} so I slept in a little too late..cough 11:30! I'm planning on doing a little spring cleaning, catching up on some shows {since I haven't watched TV since Friday!}, and maybe shopping for my brother's bday. What do you get a 21 year old guy who is so hard to shop for?! I'm thinking clothes haha


i have loved you since kindergarten...

Our Anniversary. March 29th

I'm obsessed with you, I think about you constantly.
I have loved you since kindergarten and often I can't believe you're really mine.
Sometimes I forgot how amazingly hot you are until you walk through the front door, I've never been so attracted to anyone in my life.
I love the rereading the box full of letters you wrote me while we lived apart.
I love the way you make me feel amazing about myself.
You have such a cute butt.
I love that you make me laugh every day, and often so hard I cry.
I loved when you were so excited to find out we were having a baby, when I was totally freaked out.
I love when we fall asleep holding hands.
I adore how romantic you are.
I love the way we share almost every meal.
You are my favorite person.
I loved that summer after high school before we moved to different places, spending every waking minute together.
I even love that we can argue and fight, and then how we can make up...usually very quickly.
I love how you wouldn't complain when I slept from 6pm to 8am when I was pregnant.
I loved going to Senior Prom with you.
I loved that you followed me to NYC.
I love how you were able to calm E down the first night after he was born in the hospital, when I couldn't.
I love it when we snuggle every morning.
I loved it when I came home to you reading out loud to E, when he was only 3 days old.
I love how excited you are to get me to bed...
I love how I can hear you smile in the dark.

You are the only one I ever wanted to be with.
You are my perfect other half, you make me the happiest I've ever been.
I want to take care of each other forever.

Love is too weak a word for what I feel -- I lurve you, you know, I loave you, I loff you, two F's
I loff you C,
Happy Anniversary


best to you both!!


guilty: anthro lust

top row: Blue Bird Blouse, Crossroads Button Down Shirt, Vanilla Bean Blouse
bottom row: Streamlined Kimono Cover-Up, Aniseed Skirt, Drifting By Dress

All I want to do right now is go shopping! The weather is so nice and I just want to wear these pretty things! I gave shopping up for Lent and it's been SO hard but I'm in the final week. It's been difficult but it was definitely a good thing for my wallet!

This weekend came and went too quickly. And nothing exciting happened! Saturday was all about doing taxes, which is never fun and Sunday I worked on these essays for grad school, also not fun. I'm excited though because this week is kind of short for me. It's spring break for my elementary school so Tuesday and Thursday are off! And then my last day working at the law firm is Wednesday. It's been a long time coming and while I'm sad to leave some of the people I know it's for the best. I have plans for lots of baking towards the end of the week because it's my brother's 21st birthday on Thursday and then Easter over the weekend. Sweets were another thing I gave up {almost impossible!} so I'm ready to satisfy my sweet tooth !

How was your weekend?

swap meet sicles

Went to the swap yesterday to get rid of some junk and i did sooo happy no more clutter. Anyways there was a ton of rad bikes but I only shot a couple.

when your always the one that's alone


I just wanted to share, because its hard sometimes talking to those around you, talking to the people who are care for you and think you are lovely. When they ask you whether you have a boyfriend, or lament at how a young and pretty girl like you could possibly be single, its hard. Hard to bring together what you know about yourself - that you're worth it, that your good the way you are - and the fear that maybe you are doing something wrong.

They tell you that you just haven't met him yet. And yet when they learn you are 21 and have never had a boyfriend, never felt those feelings that people write novels about for someone - they are surprised, and can't believe that you would never have found someone. How you could possibly be all alone.

It's not that you haven't met people. You've met boys. And at first when the boys liked you, you played along. But then you found yourself in the park kissing this boy you don't like and looking for reasons to get away. Or in a bed freaking out because while you liked kissing and his ripped abs, you don't even know they boy in front of you. Because it was the kissing you liked, not the boy. And so you learn... And you watch as time changes, for then its the boys who were friends who told someone they liked you, and you watch as your friendship falls apart as you put up walls around you. You're just so scared.

And you know that you are supposed to be OPEN to love. But what you don't understand is how you're CLOSED. You want to fall in love, its the only thing in the world you can think of that you want more than anything. You try to not make the same mistakes as before, and yet you end up in the same place again. So you try and get by with what you can - sustaining myself on living vicariously through other love stories, and imagining magical moments in love. But before long you find yourself in a vicious circle of expectation and then disappointment.

I try to be open to love, but I feel like a fraud when I dont feel the way I'm supposed to. So I keep a distance and don't give them the wrong idea about how I feel, so I don't end up in a relationship or in a place with someone I don't even like.

But what if I'm wrong about the way I feel.
All I know is I'm alone, and a mess.

And that's why its hard sometimes to talk to people you know. And why its hard sometimes when your always the one that's alone.


Hunter came by today on his beast I think she is lookin pretty good eh!

one year ago..

We were in Hawaii on the beautiful island of Oahu!

Honestly it seems like SO long ago. So much has happened since then but looking at these pictures really brings me back to the amazing time we had. For Valentine's Day & our 1 year anniversary Matthew surprised me with tickets to Hawaii over my Spring Break. I'd never been before and I always wanted to go. The whole thing felt so unbelievable and it wasn't until we were there that it felt real.

I started this blog with a picture of the two of us in Hawaii..and Matthew holding a cane. I don't think I ever explained that story. One of the things Matthew really wanted to do in Hawaii was teach me how to surf. As nervous/scared as I was I agreed. We went out there amongst a ton of other surfers and trainers {it wasn't intense waves} and Matthew stepped on coral! He didn't think it was that bad but he was bleeding really badly. The bottom of his foot had one cut, that looked like a cheese grater {sorry but it's the best visual!}. The lifeguard wrapped him up and said to stay off it for a couple days and he should be fine. We listened to him and as much as I thought it would be best to go to a doctor Matthew refused. We treated it ourselves and two days later had to go in because it was infected! Poor Matthew had to stay off it, clean it and bandage it heavily twice a day AND stay out of the water. He even got a cane to help him walk. It was so sad because all this boy wanted to do was go in the water and surf. I felt so badly for him but we still had a great time and the surfing will have to happen on our next trip for sure!

A beautiful sunset on our first night there

Two of our friends met up with us on the second half of the trip

driving our Jeep with the top down on a rainy & very windy day!

spot the rainbow?

LOST is filmed on Oahu..can't you tell?

I'm just a Portuguese girl after some yummy Malasadas!

the gorgeous view from our hotel!

This trip was so special for me and Matthew because we got a lot closer and had so much fun. We had such an amazing time exploring the island, dancing at a luau, looking for turtles, trying to find some good sushi, eating the most amazing Thai food from a truck {!}, daring him to swim in the water at midnight {before his injury}, making multiple runs to KMart {or whatever store that was} for sunblock, towels, cups, postcards, snacks and more sunblock! I realized that my life would be so incomplete without him and that he really makes everything better. Even with a hurt foot he was up for everything and I didn't mind him leaning on me on our walks. I can't wait until we're on those islands again!

Happy Friday everyone! It seems like it got here so fast but I'm glad it did!

Mile marker 232

I hopPed on the pan this mornin and headed for Tucson TO drop off a couple small parts. The ride was perfect and the bike ran like a top she is now ready for her new home.... To bad Arizona weather isnt always like this a perfect 75 all day, soon the blistering days of 110 will be here. Anyways After today she put in a good 232 miles and 5 gas stops.

look book: pink/black

Alright I never really considered myself someone obsessed with pink but maybe I am! Looking at some of my most recent outfits I see pink pink pink!

sweater Madewell, dress Lucky Brand, belt and shoes JCrew

Two years ago for Christmas Elizabeth {my bff} gave our little group of besties {aka the Fab Four} our Sex and the City inspired "Name" Necklaces. I love how sweet and personal it is. And the fact that we all have one!