oh, how he completes me.


I'm reading all those beautiful stories about lost love, found love, love people never will forget, secret love, soulmates, friends and family. And I decided to tell my story.
I've always been a "player", a restless person that has very easy to have crushes on cute boys but I had only been in love once, with my boyfriend when I was 15.
I had boyfriends after that but
-I wasn't faithful
-or I didn't say to anyone that we were a couple because I didn't wanted to keep the options open
-or I did something on purpose that made my boyfriends break up with me. Then I didn't need to take The Talk and they couldn't beg me to stay, beg us to try because they broke up with me.
I was cold, egoistic and I thought I wasn't capable to love another person, to be in love with another person and thought I was way too troubled to have a normal relationship.

I ended it with one of my crushes this summer and a couple of weeks later I went to a party at a friends place. It was a festival in my town and it was the fourth day of partying. I wasn't very social and the last thing I wanted was one of those drunk unserious flirts.

And I met him pretty early in the evening. He was a friend to my friend's best friend's crush and I thought he was one of those really goodlooking people that knows how hot they are and are impolite and bored if you're not in their league. But we talked and he wasn't impolite - just shy. When it was time to go, me and him went to the carousels and he held my hand because I'm so scared of heights and while everyone around us danced to some crappy coverband, we just stood there and have had more fun that evening than I have had with friends I've known my whole life. And he kissed me and we went to a concert where he held me the whole time and he took my number but I thought he'd never call me.

He did the next day and we decided to meet the next weekend (because then we didn't live in the same city). After that I told everyone I knew, my friends and family that I'd met someone, even if I didn't know what he thought of me or where it was going. We were just like 15-year-olds hanging out, making out, going to the sea, having a great time and getting to know each other.

Then met the weekend after that. And the third weekend we talked about us and decided to be a couple. We've met every weekend (and as much as we can now that we live closer) since we met that sweet summers saturday night.

He did something no one has ever did to me. There is no other guy for me and for the first time I just know he feels the same. Every time I see his name, smell the shirt he left last time he was here, or his shampoo, or if I see things that reminds me of him, I get nervous and the butterflies take over my whole body.

He makes me laugh so much that I can't quit and we always have so much fun with each other. We stay up playing videogames, drinking beer, bowling, kissing, watch movies, talking walks, tickle and tease each other, everything and everytime I have the time of my life.

I love him so much that I can't look at him for more than seconds because I think he's so beautiful that he makes me blush and makes me clumsy and makes me stumble and even if I hold him for hours I can't get enough of him, his voice, his laugh, his scent, his taste, his skin and all those small things and gestures he say or do that only I notice because that's part of what I fell in love with.

Everytime we see each other I want to tell him I love him but I'm too shy and scared even though I've never been so sure about anything or anyone in my life and though I believe he loves me. I'm terrified to get hurt but I love him so much I don't care about that, for the frst time I feel I can't do anything but trust him even if I don't always understand why the world's cutest, nicest, sweetest, funniest, hottest guy wants to have me as his (first) girlfriend. He says he can ask me the same thing; why I would be with him.

So it may be a cliché but real love came to me when I least expected it and "once a cheater/liar, always a cheater/liar" is as wrong as anything can get. I've always said the truth about my past if he have asked, even if it's not been pretty and people say you can make mistakes and you can, but I would never do it to him or do something that would hurt him.
Even if you're scared to tell people how you feel - make yourself say those things! It can be a disaster but then you're friends will be there for you and pick you up and make you heal. It's heartbreaking if you open up and things don't work out, but then at least you know that you can move on. You'll regret it more if you don't take the risk. Everyone is scared so go out there and fight for the love because he or she can be the one you've always been looking for.

He can turn out to be so perfect that you want to scream to the world that he's all you ever wanted, that he's the most wonderful person you've met and when you think you know all about him he tells you something that surprises you, in the greatest way because everything about him is so fascinating and special. And he becomes your lover, boyfriend and your best friend and he's making you so happy that everytime you look at him or touch him, you're thinking that he is the part that's been missing in your two-pieces-puzzle... Oh, how he completes me.


the trick to losing the holiday weight

Hang out with silly and adorable cousins!

My sweet little cousin Emma is just the funniest girl. She made me laugh so hard on Thanksgiving my abs actually hurt! She's 6 years old but has the spunk of a 12 year old! We colored, played house {and school}, took pictures of each others funny faces and sneaked M&Ms from "the grown ups." Thank goodness I'm not considered one yet..at least not by her!


It's so good to be back in LA although I do miss beautiful Northern California. We spent the weekend in San Francisco celebrating my Dad's birthday and I took so many pretty pictures on Matthew's camera {if I do say so myself!}. I'm sure I'll be sharing them with you all week! The ONLY thing I don't like being away for Thanksgiving at home is not having leftovers..sigh it's just not the same!

Also, good news: ordered my new camera on Friday so I should have it by tomorrow !! Happy happy Monday!

have you ever loved someone like that?


I've known her for seven and a half months. We met through a mutual friend, my boyfriend at the time. He was somewhat infatuated with her, it was cute. She was older than us, but only by a few years. We started talking. It was... wonderful. Our conversations, we talked about everything, and bonded over everything. We had our little in jokes and then when my boyfriend and I broke up, we continued talking. We were always talking, almost every day.

We're both busy people, and we don't often have time to see each other. But when we do, it's just. Easy. So simple and easy and straightforward. I never get tired of talking to her. I can tell her anything. Not because I want to, and not because I want there to be someone who knows everything about me. I don't care about that. But because, I can; we can. Over these months, we've grown closer and closer. She's my closest friend, and I'm hers. We talk about sex and love and politics and science. We really do, talk about everything. We compliment each other in what we like, our opinions and hobbies are similar but not so similar that we don't have things to (playfully) ridicule each other about.

She's attractive, of course. And smart, and talented, thoughtful, caring, intelligent. She's that girl you want to hate for being so amazing but in the end you just end up loving her for it. And that's what happened, I love her. The nature of this love, I can't describe. I don't even know myself, honestly. It's on the border between platonic and non-platonic because even though she is one of the sexiest girls I have ever met, mostly I just want to be there for her. Mostly, I just want to make her happy. I like it when she calls me at almost-midnight and rants about her day and I can make her feel better. I can make her laugh. And I like it when she randomly texts me about something interesting and we just text each other for ours. We just, work.

Have you ever had someone where everything just works? I mean, there's friction of course. What with her being a few years older than me. And her current unavailable status. But, still. It just works, everything is so simple with her. And if anything ever is wrong, we can just talk it out.

Have you ever loved someone like that? I hope so.

Swap meet treasures????

Today me and pops headed up to the swap trying to unload some unneeded junk. We didn't sell much but pops found some treasure a nice springer with a weird extensionon On the bottom of the legs whoever extended it didn't ruin it under the tube layed the original legs. A little cutting and grinding and she is almost back to stock...I was stoked no super chop job just good forks hidden swapmeet treasures thanks dad Photobucket

Mann bound

Makin progress on robins pan not set in stone but I think she is lookin close Photobucket

she got her old feelings back

thanks for this J!!

This is a clip from the Swedish 1970’s movie En Kärlekshistora (A love story)
I think it’s very beautiful.

I also have a story to tell.
When my mom was eleven years old, she dated this boy.
He was in her class and they were boyfriend and girlfriend for a couple of years,
but then he moved away and they had to break up.

30 years later, they met at a high school reunion,
and got back together again.
My mom currently had a boyfriend but they broke up as she got her old feelings back again

as soon as she laid her eyes on her childhood crush.
This summer they are getting married.
I think this proves that just anything can happen


hey you.


It'll soon be 2 years after we've broken up. How we met was really a funny experience. Whoever heard of meeting through staring incident? I believe that he was heaven sent, my guardian angel that was there to guide me along in life. Is it weird to say that I feel in love with this guy just by merely chatting through msn and phone? I've never talked to him face to face before until we got together. I spent my whole time in class messaging him even though he was just in a classroom 2 stories above mine. And I looked forward to every night because it'd be the time that he'd call and we'd talk till it was past midnight. My friends were telling me that I was falling in love, but I didn't believe so. Until the day that I cried because I was jealous over him talking to another girl. That's when I found out that what my friends had been telling me for the past month was indeed accurate.

Even though we didn't talk face to face when we bumped into each other in school, I still remember how I felt whenever I saw him coming or when I saw his backview. That sudden adrenaline rush, the quickening of heartbeat, how everything around me started spinning and slowing down and the only sound I could hear was how hard I was breathing and my own heartbeat. All I could see was just him and at that point in time I thought, "Wow, he is gorgeous."

He was a guy that had heads turned when he walked around in school. Standing at 1.8xm tall, with broad shoulders & nice body, big eyes; double eyelids, fair skin, looking like a pretty boy yet having the American badboy look, it wasn't a question of why girls would oogle at him publicly. How we got together was unusual too, he was shy and was unwilling to say his feelings out to me directly. But he showed his feelings through his actions. How he took note of my feelings, the way that I spoke and the way I sounded through our text messages was remarkable and.. stunning. It's like he could see right through me to the deepest of my heart and he understood how I felt without me saying a word.

I remember everything since the day we were together till the day that things ended between us. How we could just go around shouting in public not bothering if anybody thought that we were crazy because all we wanted was just to see each other smile & laugh and that'd be enough. How he showed me a side of him that nobody has ever seen before - a gentle yet vulnerable side. He was mine, and with just him alone I was very contented with life. Because life with him was never dull, I had something to look forward to everyday, even if it was just a smile. I remember how we'd walk in supermarkets pretending that we were married, cooking dishes; doing house chores; playing FIFA & betting on soccer together.

I'll never forget how his eyes seemed to sparkle whenever he laughed or whenever we met. How our bodies fitted so perfectly together - hands & shoulders. How his tone changed when he was talking to me compared to when he was talking to someone else. How he always winked at me when other girls were oogling at him to give them a hint that he was my boyfriend. How protective he was of me when guys tried to get near me and how he loved playing tricks on others.

I remember begging him to stay after each time he left. Sounds stupid but I never regretted it, because I'm happy of the fact that I once loved somebody this much, and to me, he was a very very very special person in my heart.

It has been nearly 2years now, and I've been in a couple of relationships only to realise that I broke it off because I didn't love the guys. Why? Is loving someone that difficult? Or is it because I don't have the ability to love anymore? It's a shame to know that I still have butterflies in my stomach whenever I think about us, him or when I hear his name. It becomes worst when I see him face to face, I don't even know what to say, how to react or what I should do. I just go blank and I'll be in a trance afterwards.

It sucks even more when I realize that I compare every guy that has interest in me to him, to the very fact that they're not him. And you know what the sad thing is? Some of them might even be better than how he was, but I guess I'm never able to see that. Because I'm afraid to fall in love again? Or is it because I haven't really gotten over him? Are you really able to love someone subconsciously? Even without you knowing it?

Am I feeling this way because the body remembers how it feels like whenever I hear his name? Or is it because something has triggered somewhere inside of me that makes me feel this way? Memories.. they hurt and they build me up.

He has moved on, happy with his girlfriend. And me.. it's been quite some time since we've last spoke or even met each other. But I really do hope that he's doing well. Don't know if there's any chance of him seeing this, but still:

Hey you. Be happy with A no matter where you are okay. Remember if you ever need someone to talk to , you can always count on me. Don't know if you still remember me, but know that I'm always here.


Giving Thanks

This year I am so thankful for my family's health...especially my Dad's. I didn't write about it but over the summer my Dad had aortic valve replacement {which is open heart surgery}. It was really scary because he had to be readmitted to the hospital 3 times! I'm so happy that he's home and finally doing better.

I am so thankful to have such an awesome brother. It's so great to see him and catch up. Last night he played Sally's Day Spa {an iPhone app} with me! He's the best! And today we went on a long walk and he taught me how to use Matthew's SLR. {so many great pics!}

I am so thankful to have the kindest and most understanding boyfriend. He deals with my post grad struggles on a daily basis and gives me so much love and encouragement. I missed him so much today!

I am so incredibly thankful for my kind and sweet followers. I can't believe there are more than 50 of you now (!!). You all mean so much to me and I appreciate your advice and comments more than you know. Seriously I could be in the worst mood and an email or comment from you can change it completely! Once I'm back on my computer I can't wait to see what you all have been up to over the holiday weekend! 

I am so stuffed from all the food today..I was about to fall asleep at 5! So now after THREE hours of watching footage from my aunt and uncle's Portugal and Spain trip I am off to bed!

I hope you all had a yummy day eating turkey or tofurkey {or non-Thanksgiving food if you're not in the U.S}. I hope it was wonderful!!


New hoodies

HOOODies super comfy dark grey and orange ready to rock Med LRg and XL go to Zee store to get one

i love you? you know i do.


My body might be shallow to the touch
We don’t mind though,
Do we?
Do you?
These girls are inside-out
I hope you get me right side-in.

And I think of that one night,
Together, breathing, twisted
You saying you think I’m beautiful.
I tried so hard not to Cry.

Singing, skinny love, in your car
Do you remember how we started?

Never a tear touched my pillow then
So how come now, when everything is perfect
I wake up crying?
I think,
What will I do…
When this is over.

I told you once that I like how we do things.
No months.
You told me we do things right.
I think we should celebrate.

We are only this young for so many twisted nights.
I want you to have them.
I want you to have it.
Why am I crying, and
Why am I afraid to say
I love you? You know I do.


and we're off to catch a turkey

Around this time of year I always miss my Grandma. I love this picture of me and Anthony with her on Thanksgiving in 1992. You can see the huuge table that she'd set up for our family. I loved her big holiday dinners. She always brought everyone together. Now that's she's gone we don't go up there too often.

Today my family and I are heading up to Walnut Grove, California {where she lived near Sacramento}. We are staying with my aunt and uncle and I.can't.wait! It's going to be a fun Thanksgiving running around the orchards in the backyard, eating yummy treats and playing with my cousins. Happy Thanksgiving everyone! To be spirited I'll do a little "thankful post" tomorrow!


new shirts and hats

New shirts black and harley orange oooooohhhhh aaaaaah and new otto caps check the store. Photobucket Photobucket

it wasn’t right


He was my best friend. That one person in my life that truly meant everything to me. I knew that no matter what I did or what I said, he always accepted me for who I was. He loved me no matter what. And not just like a friend.

I knew he had those kinds of feelings for me, I always had. Our friendship started with him saying that he was in love with me. We had known each other for a while then, but only very shallow. I had a small crush on him too, so we started hanging out. While my feelings grew into friendship, his only grew stronger.

We were both very open with how we felt about each other. I think that is what made our friendship so honest, deep and strong. For almost a year, we hung out almost every day, and became the best of friends but nothing more. I hated it. I could see how he just fell apart every time he saw me with a boy. Knowing that it was I who made him feel like… It created a big hole in my heart. I think it was these feelings that made me do what I did.

During the summer we almost didn’t see each other for two months. I missed him more than anyone else and in the back of my head; I started to wander if I wasn’t falling in love with him. I created these pictures in my head of how I would tell him and how happy he would be and how easy our relationship would be. Because we already knew each other. It would be perfect. And easy. Maybe I should say that around this time, my life was anything but easy. At home, it was chaos, I hated school and I had just gotten out of a relationship that was horrible. I needed easy.

At the end of the summer when we finally saw each other again, I decided to tell him. We kissed and I asked him if he still was in love with me, which he was. But I knew from the beginning that it wasn’t right. Kissing him didn’t make me feel all happy and walking on clouds. It made me want to get out of there. I wasn’t attracted to him at all. When he wanted to kiss me, I turned my head away, when he wanted to hold my hand, I put it in my pocket and when he wanted to see me, I made up excuses so that I couldn’t. All that was supposed to be so easy was just so wrong.

A few weeks went by and he started noticing. Finally, he confronted me and asked me what was going on. At that point, I couldn’t ignore it, I couldn’t lie to him. So I told him. I told I didn’t have any feelings for him, and that I probably never had. I told him that it just had been so convenient to be with him. I wanted him t be angry, I wanted him to yell at me, but he didn’t. When I cried and said that I was sorry, he took me in his arms, stroke my hair and told me that it was going to be okay. That he would always be there for me, that he always would be my best friend and that I could never lose him.

So we continued to be best friends. We didn’t even mention it again. All he said was that I meant too much for him, he had t see me, even if it meant just being friends. Weeks flew by and it was all back to normal. Until one night. I had had a bit too much to drink at a party and so right in front of him, I made out with a boy I didn’t even know. 3 am that night I got a text message from him where it said that he couldn’t see me anymore. It hurt too much.

That night, I cried. I cried for two weeks. I couldn’t believe what I had done to him. My best friend who I loved. Hadn’t I hurt him enough already? I was playing with his feelings like it was just another game. I was supposed to be that person he always could count on. And now, I had destroyed him. Since that night, I haven’t met him or talked to him. It was six months ago. And since that night, a huge part of my life is missing. Just because I wanted something easy.

- A

teach is the man

Kevin baas is the man he hooked me up with these rad signs check him out at www.baasmetalcraft.comPhotobucket

you are beautiful

james + richard, weheartit

ps: can you believe that tinypic.com took down the top pic?? close minded jerks!
it is not inappropriate at all!! :/ i'm now hosting it with photobucket...hope they don't have the same views.

leather love

Back in March I got Matthew a Nikon D40 for our 1 year anniversary. Here we are the other week playing around with it. This boy makes me laugh.

I might need some camera lessons since I've never used one of these before. But I still think they're pretty cute. Also I love the leather skirt I'm wearing. I found it at the Goodwill for $10!! Unfortunately I didn't take any good outfit shots. I guess I'll have to wear it again soon!

I hope everyone had an awesome weekend! The Santa Barbara trip was fun but I didn't find my camera. Good thing Black Friday is coming up! I dragged Matthew to New Moon {twice in opening weekend..that's a first for sure!} Of course he liked the books way better..yes I made him read them! sigh what would he do without me!

oaktown hustler

She lived her life in oakland the past fourty years until she moved out the basement with the old mans son who brought her to aZ. He had her for a while but never got to feel the wind on her. Me mona jonas and angus picked her up last night and will be ridin her soon. She has a killer old austin healy SU. 6 over tubes and a bunch of other little goodies plus the paint pink and purple mix Thanks mike. Photobucket Photobucket Photobucket



I don't really know how to start this but i wanted to add a different type of love.
I have for the past 2 years been seriously ill,
i have had to give up everything that makes me,
such as my education,my freedom,my past times and my friends.
I don't think i could have had the will power to keep going on
if it wasn't from the support of my mum.
She is the one who takes me too and from the hospital.
She is the one who comforts me when i am in pain.
She is the one i tell everything too.
She is the one who believes in me and never doubts me.
She is the one who seen me at my lowest points and still tells me i look beautiful.
She is always there for me when ever i need her.
She is my best friend in the whole world.
I love her too pieces
I didn't realized till recently how incredibly lucky i am to have her.


because she is me

olivia bee

I hate the girl that is so in love
I hate the girl that is so in love she blushes the minute he walks into the room
I hate the girl that is so in love she Can’t think of anything but him
I hate the girl that is so in love she becomes speechless
I hate the girl that is so in love that the only movie she can see is The Notebook
I hate the girl that is so in love she feels sick When he is not with her
I hate the girl that is so in love she imagines their entire future together
I hate the girl that is so in love she becomes naive
The reason I hate this girl is because she is me. You might be wondering what the reason for all the hate is. The reason is simple, the girl’s love, my love was and will never be answered
// Mia 

how the fuck can you be scared of love?


Somtimes I wonder what I would answer if my friends asked me if I was in love with him. Now, they would never question because I'm really good at hiding my feelings due to years of practise. But IF.

"I don't know" I might say. "I'll admit that there is a certain tension between him and me that I don't feel I have with anyone else." Then, after a moment of thought, I might continue: "But, what I do know is that sometimes I want to stroke his back so bad I can't barely stand it, and sometimes I make things on purpose just so I can be near him. What I also do know, is that I'm scared. So awfully scared."

The ting is that I don't want to feel anything. At all. But sometimes the feelings attack me so hard I can't ignore them anymore. They push and push and push, until they finally come through, and then, usually, I run. I can't bear to deal with them, and I certainly can't deal with the feelings that comes after. When you've been hurt. And you always get hurt.

I never let anyone in. It takes years of good behaviour to make me trust a person fully. Much because I've been let down. Hard. I've poured my heart out to people who only stomped it and threw it away. Such things hurt. And leave marks. So, in many many years I've never let myself feel anything for anyone, I've run when I couldn't ignore the feelings anymore. I've run so awfully much, in such an awful long time, and I'm so awfully tired.

So, this time, I shave sworn to myself to stay put, to not run from them. The feelings that make me want him to hold me. The feelings that, when he looks at me in a certain way, are so overwhelming that it takes all of my self-restraint to not move over and kiss him full on the mouth. The feelings that makes me pee myself out of fear.

I really don't know what to do. People tell me loving someone is the greatest thing in life, but I know how you feel when you get hurt, and I know running is easy and it spares your feelings, and... And I'm babbeling. I always do when I'm scared. And I'm so awfully scared right now.

How the fuck can you be scared of love? I truly must be an idiot.


Friday on Fire

Despite being a tad tired from last night, seeing New Moon was totally worth it
The best part was that my friend Nikki had special tickets to a 9:30 showing so we didn't even have to wait in line!
I was in bed when the midnighters were still lining up!

The movie itself was a bit cheesy and the acting was..well.. what I expected. 

But let's face it..nothing can beat the books!

I just love Bella and Edward..sigh

I am SO ready for this weekend ! 
We're going out to dinner with Hanna and her bf Todd tonight.
Tomorrow I'm thinking about driving back to SB. 
I can try to get my camera back while making it a fun day trip!!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!
P.S. I love sparklers. Image via here

i really really wish it was

johanna wallin

He's one of my closest friends, and honestly, we tell each other everything, we make each other laugh, we help each other through just about everything, we're there for each other when no one else is around. It could be perfect.

If only it felt right.

I've known him now for six years. But I think I speak for both of us when I say 'the feeling' just isn't there.

I don't get butterflies. I don't constantly think of him. I don't loose sleep over him. I’m not put off eating. When I look at him, I don't have the urge to hold him. The feeling of what I class as love, isn't there.

But in a strange way, I really really wish it was. He's the nicest guy I’ve ever met, he's brilliant, we work well together, he's unbelievably good for me, I've seen how he treats girls fantastically. My words could never do him justice. Why in the hell don’t I see him like that?

How can I see the guy that I loved the most like I did, when deep down I knew it would go wrong, I knew it wasn’t ‘forever’. How can I love him. But not my friend? Wait, I do love him, but in a friendship way.

My point is, I know you can’t choose would you fall in love with. I wouldn’t want you to be able to choose. Part of the excitement of love is not knowing where it’s going or is its going to be.

Just in my perfect world, we’d love each other and things would be so wonderfully simple.


I'll tell you the truth...

Alright minor confession:
I might like Twilight a lot.
I might have gotten hooked on the books, after avoiding them like the plague.
I might have been captured by the love story between a mortal girl and a vampire boy.
I might be Team Edward although I do like Jacob a lot.
I might be going to see New Moon tonight {with tickets preordered}.
I might be a bit of a Twihard {screaming and fainting not included}.
Please remember that I was a Buffy fan so this kinda makes sense! 
Don't judge me.. because it might be true!
Ok it is..why am I so transparent?!


I scored next years costume 1974 evel knievel suit in the og box stoked for days. Photobucket Photobucket

tanks for sale SOLD

2 wassels and a molded hummer email or call if you want one the wassels got a couple dings but are workable Photobucket Photobucket

i was so naive


I've decided to tell the story. Of a love that wasn't suppose to happen. It wasn't in the cards, yet somehow, I fell madly, deeply, crazy in love with this person, who would later break my heart, and shatter my world.

We worked together. We would glance at each other, and smile as we walked by each other. He would come and order from me, and I would make some sarcastic joke and we would laugh. It was casual flirting, and really I didn't find him all that cute, but it was fun. It entertained me.

I asked him to come out and have a drink with all of us after work. He turned me down. And I was ok with that. No big deal.

A few weeks passed and my boss and I were going to a local bar, and I asked him to go. (January 5th to be exact). This time he accepted. We had a few drinks, and we kissed. I don't remember the kiss too well (those few drinks really hit me). My boss pleaded with me not do anything with him. But I was a big girl. We made out, tried to go a little further, but we both had too much to drink, so we stayed up and talked all night. I let out everything that I had kept inside for far too long. It felt amazing.

We got up, we went to work. He left shortly after he arrived. He didn't say goodbye. This hurt. But I wasn't going to let it get to me. But I left work early anyway. I went to my neighbor's and had soup and slept there.

Over the next few nights, I had talked to a few people about him. My shift manager said, "You know he is married, right?" I was furious. I was not that girl! I was not going to be the whore that he cheated on his wife with. I totally had written him off.

Then one night, I heard a knock on the door. My mom answered the door. Surprised when someone asked for me. I heard his voice and my stomach dropped. I now had to confront this guy. I stepped outside, and with my arms crossed, I said, "I heard you are married." He explained that it wasn't the case. His ex frequently told people they were married, but they weren't and it was over. I was relieved. So I invited him in. I introduced him to my mom and she gave him the inquisition. She went to bed shortly after that, and we stayed up and talked. He left shortly there after that, but I wrote down my phone number and gave it to him.

The next night he called and I had no idea who it was. But as soon as I found out, I was all twitterpated. I had butterflies going in every direction. I asked him if he wanted to come over and he said yes. So that night, I begged him to stay. After much convincing and puppy-dog eyes, he said yes. We talked and slept in each other's arms. I was so happy.

We decided to take it slow. Neither one of us was ready for a commitment, we just wanted to have fun. We weren't going to sleep together. We developed an insane friendship. We would go on long drives and talk about everything. He had become my best friend and slowly I was falling in love with this man.

For my birthday, he brought me a dozen roses, and then left because of how I was acting. He left a note, but I was too drunk to care. He later came back and stayed the night, only because my mom begged him to. I cried later at the thought of losing him.

On our days off, we would take drives. He would take me to the mountains and it was so beautiful. We would hike and see waterfalls. He took me to the beach one night, and we just walked around and we held hands and walked in the sand. I was so insanely in love with him. He would kiss me and my knees would go weak. We then went and had pie at one of the cutest cafes. We would always bring one home for my mom. We would listen to music and he would always look at me and smile. I felt like I was floating. What did I deserve to have this in my life?

One night, in mid March, we were out driving. It started out just driving around. And somehow, we ended up in Santa Cruz. He parked the car and told me to wait in the car. I had no idea what was going on. He had rented a hotel room right on the boardwalk, you could hear the ocean through the window. We walked down the pier and watched the waves. I was in awe of the ocean. He took me back the room, and we started to kiss. And he told me it was ok if we went further. We made love that night. It was incredible. We took a shower afterwords, crawled in bed and slept. The next day we walked on the boardwalk and I had my first fish-n-chips and calamari. He was opening my world to such a new place. And I had finally told him so, and I told him I loved him. And he couldn't say it back. He told me he didn't know if he was over his ex.

Over the next few months, things just got better. We took a week long trip down to Southern California. I loved being with him. I loved having him hold me. I loved making love to him. Every part of him made me happy. He even got a key to my house.

He tried to leave a few different times. These should have been my clue. The first time, he watched me cry and beg and plead with him not to leave. He told me he couldn't do it anymore. I was devastated. The next morning, he showed back up at my door and apologized.

He did it several more times, always coming back. And like a fool, I took him back. I was so naive.

One night, he stood up to my mom (she had been rude earlier during a dinner between his family and mine) and it pissed off my mom royally. He wasn't allowed back in the house. So we tried making it work but taking drives, making love under the stars and windmills, by talking a lot, and he told me he thought he was falling for me. I moved out of my house so that we could be together, but slowly we started to drift apart.

One morning, getting into my car, I saw his ex calling him. I asked him, who it was and he lied. I told him I knew he was lying. And slowly those lies became a part of him. And apart of me. I wanted nothing more to keep him. So I lied. Mostly small, but about two big things... things that I hoped would keep him around. Nothing worked. He distanced himself further away from me until there was no more. I would lay on the floor, unable to move, feeling my heart break. I would cry hysterically, it hurt so bad.

He had gone back to his ex. And I was left devastated. He had been cheating on both of us. For a long time. I was just too blind to see it.

The last time I saw him, 9 months after our first night together, he and his girlfriend confronted me at his mother's house. He told me he loved her not me. I thought I was going to be so sick. My face was red with anger and with trying to hold back the tears. I remember him stopping right before he left to go be with her, and looked at me, but I couldn't look at him. Too many tears had already been shed.

I would hear from him 2 more times. One through a phone call to tell me how horrible of a person I was when I lied to him and he found out the truth and the next an e-mail to tell me how sorry he was. And that he wished me nothing but the best.

3 years after we met, he is still ingrained in my brain. Sometimes, I will dream of his arms holding me. Sometimes, he will be in my dreams. Sometimes, I believe he calls me. It comes from an unknown number, but I swear that if I still think about him, he has to think about me. How did I feel so much and him feel nothing?

I still think about what would've been. I miss his friendship, but I feel like I made him into the person I wanted him to be. I miss him. I miss his arms, but not the pain. So today, I say goodbye to it all.

Here is the story of a love that was lost. But only because I had so much more to gain.


magical fruit

Last night Matthew and I went to Poquito Mas for some tasty Mexican food. I wasn't that hungry so I just got a side of rice and beans with chips. Matthew kept talking about me and the magical fruit." I didn't get it and then he started singing this little song:

beans, beans, the magical fruit, the more you eat, the more you toot!
the more you toot, the better you feel, so eat some beans with every meal!
I couldn't stop laughing! I have never heard that song before but he swears every 10 year old does. Maybe just the boys? I looked it up online and apparently it was referenced in a couple Simpson's episodes.. that makes sense. Either way I love my silly {and oftentimes inappropriate} boyfriend! And I also love me some beans!!

frame tips

If anybody has a frame on it with all this garbage I will hook you up with one that is already chopperfiedPhotobucket

before sunrise

thanks danica!

super sketchy baras

My next set of bars PhotobucketPhotobucket

In My Bag

I love big purses, because while they are super cute, they also hold some of the most random stuff. I've been meaning to do this post for awhile now and when Chloé did it the other week I knew I had to also! So, for all those other nosy people out there, take a look in my bag:

  • Coach purse {from the outlets},
  • my iPhone graduation gift, Michael Kors wallet {also from the outlets!}
  • Organic Hojicha Green Tea for an extra boost at work
  • mint/chocolate candy from a restaurant
  • bandaids because I always get blisters 
  • Southwest peanuts from one of my many trips to visit Matthew this summer
  • silver bracelet 
  • bobby pins for my unruly hair
  • my yellow MJ keychain with a little tag Matthew made me when he gave me a set of keys to his apt. that says M+M= <3
  • Nivea Cherry Tinted Lib Baum {it's the best because it makes your lips a pretty color while moisturizing them}

Again, sorry, until I replace my camera the iPhone pictures will have to do.

What's in your purse??

lost hope


I've lost hope in love. I'm done. I can't deal with anymore broken hearts. I'm so fucking done.
I can't handle anymore nights crying over some asshole.

clearly SB is crazy

I mean I did lose my camera after all...But it was a lot of fun. My friend Mallory lives in Camarillo so Friday I drove to her place and then we both went to Santa Barbara to see her friend Airica {pronounced Erica}. Mal and I had an amazing dinner at Arigato Sushi after waiting 45 minutes outside in the cold. The fish was so fresh and the rolls were so interesting. For instance, we shared the Blue-Man Roll with tuna, crab, asparagus, mango, avocado, cilantro leaf, jalapeno masago and mango relish, and the Tiger Roll with tempura tiger shrimp, avocado, cucumber and daikon sprouts. So yummy. It was so worth the wait.

Saturday we slept in pretty late {shocking for me} and then we drove back. I went home, unpacked, cleaned, and enjoyed having the house to myself. My parents went up to Santa Cruz to see my brother Anthony. Matthew and I had a pretty lazy night. I wasn't in the best mood, as you can imagine after losing my digi elf. We went to Sompun Thai in Studio City and then I made popcorn and forced him to watch Sweet Home Alabama. I seriously LOVE that movie!

Sunday I made breakfast and we ran some errands. Matthew is finally getting his apartment together. Although he did have a major set back this weekend. He bought this beautiful brown leather couch, rented a UHAUL to pick it up, and after a lot of sweat and tears realized there was no way it would fit into the elevator, or up the flight of stairs. So now he has to resell it and figure something else out. So sad! I sold some clothes to Crossroads and while I am happy to make a little extra money it's so annoying how they hardly take anything and give you hardly anything for what they did take. I sold 2 purses, 2 jeans, 1 sweater, 2 pairs of shoes, 1 top and got $30..not that much when it cost me way more. Still $30 to go to my new camera will be nice.

Here are a couple pictures Mallory took on  Friday night.

Mal, Airica, me

I hope everyone had a great weekend and is having a fabulous Monday! Oh and any camera recommendations??

sandles and socks pure biker


je t'aime


I'll miss you my little elf

My roommate from Berkeley, Mallory, and I went to Santa Barbara this weekend and while I had a lot of fun I lost my camera!! I am so upset about it because I loved my little camera and I had so many pictures on there that I wanted to upload today. I'm hoping I'll get it back but I'm not keeping my hopes up. I haven't heard back from the restaurant we were at and it's hard because I can't go stop by since I don't live there. So I need to figure out what I'm going to do until I get a new one. Maybe I'll post some old pictures or scan some in. We'll see. I hope everyone had a wonderful weekend and no one lost anything!

duel carb knuckle mama

Oh she is a chopper so fine they even used her out of focus look at those carbs styles for milesPhotobucket