a text message from you


I've got the worst birthday of my life this year. The best birthday present was just a text message from you, wishing me a happy birthday. I've no idea why. It's just a birthday wish but it makes my day receiving it.

My friends did nothing to celebrate my birthday for me. Not even a gift. I wonder if they're still my friends. A part of me tells me to let go and i should never mind if i get a gift or not. The other part of me tells me that i should in return receive somethign since i've done so much for them. Not even a birthday song or wish personally. The wishes are all done via Facebook or text messages. I don't want to let them know that actually i care so much. So i've been bottling all these up. My mum thought my friends were going to celebrate my birthday for me so i had none of those celebration at home.

It's now a month after a birthday and i have not received any gifts or surprises yet. Really disappointing.

As of you, I really want to share my thoughts with you but you haven't been texting me after the wish. I feel you've already moved on but I'm still standing here, waiting for you to come back to me. My heart dropped when your twitter says 'having a little crush lately :)' I know i should move on but i really just can't.

Still, i really thank you from the bottom of my heart to send me that text, that at least made my day although i did not have a great birthday. Also, alll the best with you and your new crush. Maybe.

xoxo H

happy halloween!

Happy Halloween!
{love Matthew, Mara & Ginger!}
I hope you all are having a spooky and fun day! Matthew and I carved these pretty little pumpkins this morning and we're having our traditional chili and spaghetti dinner tonight! Hopefully we'll watch a Halloween movie, too..like Hocus Pocus! I kind of wish it was acceptable for adults to go trick-or-treating! What's your favorite Halloween candy?

sooner or later

alexis mire -thanks anon for the credit. alexis' name was not where i found it.

look book: beanie there, done that

 It's hard to believe it's already the end of October..and Halloween is just days away! I feel like I just brought out my fall/winter clothes last week! {And as LA would have it, it was 80 degrees today..major sad face}. Sometimes I really want to slow time down..and make the seasons stay in place!
 sweater dress c/o Tulle, leggings Forever 21, boots J. Crew, beanie Urban, purse Coach via ebay

I love this yellow sweater dress from Tulle! The detail around the neck is so so pretty! I'm definitely on a yellow kick right now..we'll see if that plays into our wedding colors!

you don't want us.


I had just found out my boyfriend of 2 years cheated on me when I was on vacation. I came home only to find heartbreak, but then you appeared.

You had always been there, just kinda in the corner, and I never gave you much thought. But now, suddenly you were the one person who could get me out of the mess I had fallen into. Talking to you became the best part of my day, and I began to forget what life was like without you. Then your girlfriend broke up with you, and suddenly I realized I loved you.

A month passed, finally that fateful August night we went on our first official date, and after that night you were mine. We never skipped a beat, there was never that awkward first phase. I remember when you asked and I said yes, and you said, "No way." As if you thought you didn't have a chance.

The fall came, every day got better and better. You told me you loved me when we were laying on the couch. You were shy, but I wanted to say it too. We each drew the letters on eachothers arms. I drew an "I" you drew a "L" I drew an "O." And thats how we said it, together. I was in over my head.

For christmas, we went to New York. We waited in line for two hours to go ice skating, but it was all worth it. You told me you already knew how you were going to propose, you had our life planned. Later that night, we went to Central Park, you shyly gave me a bracelet with our initials engraved in a heart. It was the sweetest gift I have ever received.

The months were going by, but all I could focus on was you. You were my world, you were absolutely everything. You would sing to me, and write me notes. When you held me, I didn't want to be anywhere else. You called me perfect, and I told you that you were wrong. But I loved every second. I loved you, I adored you with all my heart. It took everything to learn how to trust again, but you brought me back to life. I owe you everything for that.

April came, prom was around the corner. I remember every second of that Saturday night in excruciating detail. I went to your house, we went down to the basement. You put in a movie and we laid down on the futon. You told me about your dad. I cried in fear of losing you, of you getting hurt again. I held on to you and said I couldn't imagine my life without you. How could I not have known that that night was our last one? If I knew, I would have held tighter, and begged you not to leave. I wouldn't have left if I knew.

That week you went out west to visit a college. That Thursday was 8 months. The entire week, you told me you missed me, you loved me, you couldn't wait to come home to see me again.

Friday. You changed your status on Facebook to single. I became frantic, calling you, thinking it was a mistake or some silly joke. We were so good. So so so good. There would be no reason to lose us. To take everything we built together and throw it away.
But it wasn't a mistake. You said "I just want to be single."

That's it. That's the explanation I got. There was no more, no less. You told me I had nothing to do with it, how could I not have everything to do with it. You just want to be single, you don't want me. You don't want us.

But we were perfect. I can't get over you, I miss you. My heart breaks every time I think about you.

I dream about you, just to wake up to realize you're gone.

I still love you.

Why did you have to absolutely destroy me.

wedding wednesday: fall in love bridal soirée

Last night, I had the opportunity to attend the Fall in Love Bridal Soirée hosted by the Jenny Yoo Collection. The event was held at The London West Hollywood and I brought my friend Kim along for a night of drinks, cupcakes, and, of course, a fashion show! It was fun to look at the pretty dresses and pick out the ones we would or wouldn't wear. I think I might have been most excited, though, about being able to finally try desserts from Sweet & Saucy Shop! They've been featured all over the place and Matthew's cousin's wife is really close friends with the owner. The cake balls were fantastic! I couldn't believe how moist they were. Although I have no other ones to compare them too, I think they were the best ever!

Highlights of the night included: a fun photo booth, a strange interruption by The Three Waiters {opera singers posing as "real" waiters at the event}, getting a heavy gift bag and being most excited about the lightest thing inside..macarons from Gordon Ramsey's restaurant!

Did any of you go to any bridal events? For me it was more about the experience than anything else. Matthew and I don't really want a "standard/traditional" wedding. We really just want a special and unique celebration, full of cute little touches! and lots of DIY!!
photos taken by Kim Desjardins



grandma's 86th

So last Thursday my mom and I flew to Pittsburgh to celebrate my Grandma's 86th birthday! The last time we saw each other was when she came to visit in February, but it has been awhile since I've been out to PA. I think it meant a lot to her that my mom and I were there and she kept saying, "I can't believe you all are making such a fuss over my birthday." I think it's important, though, to celebrate birthdays no matter what age you are. Sometime we don't take the time to let people know how much their lives mean to us. My mom, my aunt, and I made a big dinner for her and we got a cake from a bakery she likes! It was a short trip but totally worth it!

Happy Birthday Grandma Nana!

i just want to jump in there


When I read all these stories, all these sad love stories about broken and tough love, I can’t say I don’t want to be there. I’ve never even had a boyfriend, and I’ve never kissed someone, just for fun. I really want someone who loves me. You all have or have had someone, so you know what it’s like. But I don’t. So I don’t care if it doesn’t work out, or if I get broken the first time. I just want to feel what it’s like to be in love, to have someone. Therefore I almost wish to be where you all are. Though I’m not saying you should feel good when someone breaks your heart, I’m saying I would prefer getting broken than not feel love at all. Everything is about love. Movies, books, songs, reality. And I’ve never even felt it. It feels like I’m outside, watching everyone else walk two and two, hand in hand. I just want to jump in there and be a part of it. But how? I have no idea…

My boys and my girls

Benji and Brian lookin sweet on two of my girls love you guys

Blue Knucklehead RUnnin

breaking the motor in she is runnin real sweet cant wait to take a trip on her.

cannot stop wondering

back to college

I realized I never posted about going up to Berkeley a couple weekends ago! Since we graduated, my really good friend Mal and I try to go up for at least one game a season {last year I think it was for Homecoming}. This year it was Cal vs. UCLA so I was kinda forced to cheer for both sides since Matthew was a Bruin. He tells me all the time that the Bears and Bruins are best friends and they're on the same side against USC and Stanford. hmm..I guess so. Mal and I stayed with her good friend Jenna in San Francisco and it was so fun to be there during a big weekend when the whole city was celebrating {the Giants won, Cal won, and Staford won}.

It was so nice to go up and see all my friends who still live in the city and also to spend lots of time with Mal. We were roomies and worked at the same job, so we always say how great it was to live together, work together, study together {me mostly, her not so much}, play together and sleep together {separate beds of course}! It's hard not seeing someone as much when you're used to seeing them pretty much 24/7. But, luckily we still make the time!

The winner of the Mr. Kate Bark Ear Cuff is...Illy from Much Love, Illy! Congrats! {send me your info}

I hope everyone had a grrrreat weekend! I'm luckily back on Pacific Standard Time and I'll be posting about my trip to Pittsburgh tomorrow!



Where to begin? We started out typical. Freshmen year, we had the same english class. He was annoying and I was uptight. I moved away before the next school year but went back to my old school's homecoming to see old friends. The friend I went with ditched me for slow dances and make outs on the dance floor and that's when I spotted him. I walked right up and coyly asked if we knew each other and if he would escort me to the where our mutual friends were dancing. The rest of the night went like a sickeningly cheesy tween flick.

We talked too much for dancing to make sense so we just sat and talked for hours, though we did manage to drag ourselves back to the dance floor for our favorite songs. He gave me his home phone numbers, for his moms and dads, and the night ended with the kiss that didn't happen flickering between our mouths.

We talked all the time. I told him all about the guys I was interested in and dating, and when they let me down. How could I not see that he loved me, even then? In the beginning of what turned out to be a short very intense relationship, I told him we couldn't talk anymore. I couldn't have a serious boyfriend and a flirty guy friend who, at moments, seemed too perfect for me. Then, a few months later, he drunk texted me. In a month we were together despite the distance.

It was real. It was such real love.

Our relationship was tender. Achingly so. Not perfect or smooth but I was so deliriously happy. Even the hard times were like, amazing, because it proved something, didn't it? We talked about the future without even realizing it and his idea for the future was only one with me in it. He couldn't imagine settling down or being with just one person until me. He pictured the house, the beach, the pets, all the same ways I did. We shared music, books, talked about the world, philosophy, religion. He knew me. And so sweet, calling me at times that seemed so inconvenient, from bathrooms and work and all the time, just to hear my voice. Talking about us with his friends to the point they complained about it to me.

He told me that my parents were wrong about me, that I was a good person, that he loved me. Every night, for hours chatting, whispering, wanting, until we stopped having conversation and were swapping dream-hallucinations. He kissed me everywhere when we were together, not wanting any part of me to be left undiscovered. We called each other so many different names that didn't even make sense but were true because we made them up. I wrote songs for him, played them for him. It was his favorite music. We would just hold on to each other sometimes. Just hold on and keep holding like drinking it in. Intoxicating how cute we were, everyone saw us together and realized we realized we were lucky.

Oh, and he was good. No matter where we had to be it was always head-buzzing, ears-ringing, legs-sore-the-next-day good. And that meant a lot to me. That was a big deal. That was special. (Now looking back, it's easy to judge whether or not he's the BEST but it was irrelevant.) He was completely unselfish to the point where he had to slow down to get me to be able to collect myself to try for him.

We fought for good reason. I was with him through everything when he failed his parents and friends, but not me. Never me. He loved me too much to destroy it for himself. He loved me too much to disappoint me. And that 's what made him extraordinary to me after a while, after I realized he wasn't ideal at all. But he was mine, and I actually shucked my pride, my morals, my best interests, and forgave him again and again for what he was doing to himself and to us because that's what love is, that's what love does.

Then, a facebook message. Facebook. In which he confessed he'd been cheating on me all along, in a quantity and depth that should have shocked me...but it didn't. I wasn't surprised to find that he hated himself too much to keep from hurting me. I didn't even cry when he told me, even though he was. Sobbing.

But now, what? I've left you, love. I've written about how you were all a lie and a sham and how I fell for it and how I'm so much better off now, because I am, there's no doubt about it. My life is better now that you're not in it.

But was it real? How could it be when it ended up like this? When you did this to me? How can I believe you? Who are you? Who did I love for so long? Who is this person who didn't remember me whenever he was drunk?

And so many girls. Not just one, not just once.

I feel ashamed of my own self.

And I can't let you go, no. I want to hear all about it. I want you to keep reminding me what you did to me. I want all the details. I want to be able to imagine myself there in the room with each of those seven other girls.

I cringe and part of me dies but its like therapy, hearing you talk about them. Some sick perverted electro-shock therapy that burns you out of me. It makes me miss you less, realizing what you really are.

And how vehemently you denied it.

How offended you were when I asked you.

How could I ever have loved you? I did not. I couldn't have. I could not have loved someone who hurt me as profoundly as you have. I'm smarter than that. I'm better than that.

I lowered my standards for you. To love you. To be with you. And you made me just another piece of trash. Just an out of town snack where you could store up all your emotions and get all the love one person can give to another person because I did, I actually did. I actually gave all of myself. I sacrificed part of who I am for you and that never comes back. I never get that back. And why?

Because you loved nothing. Because you are broken. Because you tore out the heart of me the day before my 18th birthday and I had to leave behind everyone who lied for you. Because I can't stand the thought that those girls, my friends, had known you the same way I knew you. I should have suspected when I heard the same mix CD you'd given me playing in her car. I should have known when you broke your promise to never drink again, told me weeks later after we'd spent a week together at camp, then flatly admitted you never had any intention of keeping that promise at all. I forgave you. Or did I just make an easy out for myself?

And you tell me now that you loved me, and still do, so much. That you are immature and stupid and you would never do it again, now. That all of that is behind you, that you can't believe it had to be me you learned this lesson with. Why did it have to be me? You wish it had been someone else, someone who didn't matter. Because I do matter to you, a lot. And everyone says so. Everyone says they didn't tell me because of how badly you felt afterwards and how much you cared/care for me.

But I don't buy it.

And I will keep asking you for any shreds of whispers or touches you can remember. Because I want to remember, when I miss you, why it is not you I miss, but just an imaginary friend. A toxic, addictive imagination who is now my ghost, the shadow in my mind when I fight off the emptiness.

I will be fine. I will. I have so much going for me. You hurt me, more than anyone else will probably. More than I will ever let someone hurt me again. But I can see my own naiveté. A high school long distance relationship? I knew how desperate you are for flesh. I should have known that you had nothing to stand on, no moral compass, no boundaries which would make you say no. And with how often you were wasted? I just couldn't do the simple equation because I was blinded by a love which didn't exist.

And I'm not sure if I didn't trick myself into it. You are a stranger to me now, and I keep asking you for answers so that I can track down the one I lost. Because I know now that he doesn't exist. But I love you, whoever you are, wherever you are, the shadow that I saw in him. I love you so much and I ache to hear your voice and I will wait for you, I'm waiting for you. Every time I remember him holding me from behind, I'll pretend that it was you. And when I kiss someone else, it will only be because I miss you. Whoever you are, Love, I caught a glimpse of you once, and I'm waiting for you to find me again.

my past


I am a shallow person and I seek my family’s approval too much. I have to be honest with myself. I may have kept myself from love from the past 9 and a half years.
Through all the years I still think of him often. Sometimes I long for him. This is for you x

You were my first love, before I knew what a mature relationship was. The sweet innocence of a childhood romance… we played outside and did fireworks. I fell in love with you at the age of 12. Some may say that’s too young, but I knew it was real love. It felt just as real as the love I have felt at the age of 21. I knew you in your awkward pre-teen phase. You knew me before I cared about fashion. When I wore skater shoes, because I thought I had to dress like the music I listened to. We spent every Christmas together. Then two years later you decided you wanted me romantically. You were persistent. You protected me from the crowd at a concert. You said that’s when you knew. I resisted because I didn’t want to be hurt. We had already tried so many times before. You held my hand and begged me to hold yours. You told me I was different. I wouldn’t give in. My Dad didn’t think you were good enough. You told me you missed talking to me so much. That you were there for me and always would be. Three and a half years out of high school I have had many, many suitors since you. I have had a serious boyfriend since you. My first “adult” relationship. Well he is long gone now. I’ve moved away from our hometown. At friend’s weddings I see you. You flirt and walk me to my car. Your best friend stopped through my college town tonight. He told me some of your secrets. They are currently keeping me from sleep. He said that you considered me the girl that got away. You never thought you could really have me. Your friend thinks we should have gotten married. When you say we should see each other, I know you mean it, but it’s been a year and half since we were alone together. Are you just a sweet relic of my past?