ffffound
angeli.
I am so lucky to have my dates with Matthew. He always tells me that he never wants to stop dating me. Hopefully one day we'll be 80 years old still going out on the town, and taking pictures quite similar to these! Angeli Cafe is one of our new favorite spots. It's on Melrose so, while the parking can sometimes be awful, it's totally worth it. Their pizzas and pastas are amazing! And the bread that they give you is to die for! They are also really really nice there. (They remembered us on our second time there!) Seriously if you live in LA you must go! You'll probably see us there ♥ ♥
falling for fall
Oh how I love when the leaves change color and the air gets crisper. Fall is probably my favorite season! I always get so excited towards the end of summer. Probably because it's always scorching hot in LA. I am so ready for Halloween. I still haven't figured out what I want to be, but I have a couple ideas! Perhaps Rosie the Riveter? Or a nuclear housewife? Oh decisions decisions. I definitely stray away from the sexy kitten/bunny/maid ideas but I do like to go all out with makeup and hair. I should start planning since it's a month away! What are you going to be? Hopefully you're farther along than I am!
half is not whole
tumblr
the danger of a broken heart is not the pain.
not the tears, or anger.
not the ache, not the loneliness,
not the quiet, the empty seat, the bed now much too big.
the danger of a broken heart is what we have to repair it with.
mistrust, hopelessness, faux comfort.
independence.
the oaths we take. what we swear to ourselves.
the danger is self-reliance.
the danger is that these stitches in our heart don't fall out.
that they are there to stay.
because they must.
the danger is that we know it isn't about love anymore.
and,
it isn't about how perfect we are in our world.
it's about how perfect we are in theirs.
the danger is that two became one.
and a half of one...
well.
half is not whole.
but now we must make it so.
-lauren
facing monday
Well I'm back from a sweet but too short weekend in SF. I saw my brother Anthony in Santa Cruz. His dorm room is cute but oh so tiny! Matthew and I saw The September Issue which I loved, went shopping at Jeremy's and bought 3 pair of shoes and ate lots of sushi. I had to drive my Dad's car back down yesterday so I left earlier than I would have liked. But, I'll be back soon! I hope everyone had a great weekend!
he has no idea
weheartit
I met a boy and fell for him fast. We moved fast. Everything was such a rush, everything was perfect, we were so obsessed with each other. He would tell me I was the most beautiful girl he had ever seen. He would say “you're amazing” every hour. Except when he said it, it wasn’t just a line, it was the truth. The truth in his eyes. But I had to leave, and I knew I couldn’t do long distance. I have too ,any whims, I’m not good at being alone, I would have strayed. So I just cut off all contact, said cruel and hurtful things, pushed him away on purpose, alienated him so that he would leave me alone. Because it hurt too much to be friends, I thought it would be better to have no contact.
I was wrong. It was the stupidest decision of my life, because I find that not knowing someone well, can make you never get over them. The truth is, I don’t know him that well. What we had was short, it was over before I had a chance to see whether we were really good together, whether he was right for me. So all this time, even while I’ve had relationships with so many other guys, I always compare the new boys to one boy who I barely even knew, and they all fall short. Because his memory is so perfect, it’s so indestructible because it’s unfinished. I didn’t have time to discover his flaws, the little quirks that annoy, the arguments that break a couple a part. I didn’t give him a chance to show me that side of himself. All I have are the memories of that new, excited feeling. Of butterflies every time his fingers brushed my arm, of electric sparks every time we kissed, because it was so new, and unexpected and amazing. I have idealized this boy to the point where he is perfect in my eyes, and because of that, I can’t be satisfied with anyone else. But I can’t go back to him either, I cut off all ties, made it clear I never wanted to talk to him. He doesn’t know I think about him every day. He probably thinks he was completely insignificant, because I lied, and told him that he was. I swore I couldn’t care less. He has no idea. And I have no idea what it would be like to really be with him, have a real relationship with him, and I have to live with the fact that it is completely my fault. For being so proud, and so presumptuous to think I would get over him in two minutes. I never thought I’d hold on this long, to a ghost of a person. To an illusion of a person, that isn’t very likely a true reflection of him anyway.
And my advice to anyone reading this is, don’t let opportunities pass you by. Don’t dismiss people without thinking about how you may feel later. Don’t end something great, just because you think it would be too inconvenient to your life to let it continue. The truth is, everyone needs closure. Even if you do try something, and it’s difficult, and it ends, at least you know you tried. At least you know it was really the right decision to end it. You tried, and you failed. That’s okay, that’s something you’ll get over. But wondering, always wondering how it would have went if you had just let it happen, that’s torture. It’s the “what ifs” that keep me up at night. And the fact that he was strong enough to want me, to want to put up a fight for me, and I wasn’t strong enough to fight for him. And for the way I feel now, I have only myself to blame.
- Anonymous
see you in a clock tick
Well I'm procrastinating the whole packing thing. I just went to Rite Aid and got a lovely 2 for 1 nail polish deal so I'm debating "Bubble Bath" pink or "Fuchsia Power" (brighter) pink. Oh, decisions decisions.
One thing I'm excited about: I'm starting an internship at a magazine tomorrow!!
Oh and I get to see this face ♥
Hope everyone is having a productive (or not) Wednesday night!
xox
first i pack in my head
Matthew says I bring way too many things when I come for the weekend. Totally not true. Case in point: this picture. Six very different pairs of shoes for three nights and three days. I could have brought more but I planned accordingly. I always have to think about what I want to pack before I actually do it. Packing is the most annoying process and I really hate it. How will I know what I want to wear in two days from now? What if the weather changes (which is normal in SF)? Why can't my wardrobe just appear magically whenever I am in need of a warmer sweater or more comfortable shoes? Maybe one day.. Now I'm just counting down the hours until I see Matthew (27 1/2) !!
you have loved me long enough to notice
tfs
You have loved me since I was 15.
Braces and all, you thought I was the most beautiful girl at school.
At first, I wasn't sure what I thought of you.
You were so open with me about your emotions from day one.
I was used to guys playing games with my mind,
but you told me right away that you thought we would be good together.
You would call me on the phone, (every other night so that you would not seem too anxious)
and you would write down things for us to talk about in your notebook. (I found this out later)!
You could always make me laugh,
and even though I pushed you away at times
I secretly knew I loved your attention.
Finally, I admitted this to myself,
and I told you I liked you.
You wanted to be romantic,
so on our first date you took me to the aquarium,
and asked me to be your girlfriend.
Almost four years later I am looking back on everything we have been through.
I have never been so comfortable with anybody in my life.
You know all of me,
and I know all of you.
The other night you said to me, "You look so grown up"
and I almost cried simply because of the fact that you have loved me long enough to notice something like that.
We have had our share of hard times,
but that is to be expected when you are young and in love.
It is amazing that we are still together,
considering how young we are,
and this proves to me that something just clicks between us.
I feel secure,
I feel happy,
I trust you,
and I love you with all of my heart.
-Emma
Cheap Hangover
Another cheap date with Hanna last night. We went to see The Hangover for $2. Yeah, the movie came out a long time ago but neither one of us saw it but were both kind of curious. Also you can't beat two bucks!! It wasn't as inappropriate as I thought it was going to be (I was expecting the worse). I also liked that it was kind of an adventure/mystery plot. And Heather Graham's character was funny! Dinner followed and of course some frozen yogurt. I got vanilla with Circus Animal crackers, even though I'm definitely more of a chocolate girl. Hanna talked me into it.
it’s a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake
Yesterday I was in one of those productive Sunday moods (they don't come around that often). I clearned out my makeup drawer (finally) and ran a bunch of errands. I really wanted to bake something so I looked through some recipes and found one for Lemon Cheesecake Bars with Fresh Berries. I was rushing to finish it because it needed to chill in the fridge for two hours. I ended up being behind schedule but I tried a piece anyways. They were pretty good but the recipe should have called for more cheesecake mixture. It ended up being really thin, which I guess is ok because 'everything in moderation.' But I'm a sugar addict (even had that screen name for awhile) so I gobbled down two at a time. Pretty tasty! So ready for Thursday so I can fly up to see Matthew!
image courtesy of Epicurious
image courtesy of Epicurious
now i don't know how to be friends with him
tfs
i still don't know how i feel about him. it hurts my heart when he doesn't answer my phone calls or when he doesn't call me or text me forever. this summer he said he didn't know if he even remembered what it felt like when we were traveling, when it was so good and we were having fun. and i don't know if i'm remembering anymore either. but parts of me are. parts of me remember the good so intensely that i can't stop thinking about it. like talking forever on the roof or in the hammock. or doing ridiculous things like stealing hotel room keys just to have sex just then. or standing in a ridiculous pharmacy staring blankly at their questionable assortment of condoms trying to decide which might, perhaps, maybe just work enough. but that was after we had had a little fight. and then i remember that there were also times when it was just the two of us when there wasn't much to say, when we were both drawing a blank. part of me thinks that's totally normal. part of me thinks that happens with everyone. but part of me wonders if, as he said, there was never a 'spark.' maybe there wasn't. was i just attached to the sex? but then i know i wasn't. for whatever reason, he was someone who got to see all of me. literally every corner inside and out. i don't know why i felt okay telling him everything but i did. maybe he wasn't asking for it. maybe it was too much on my part and i should have been more guarded. and maybe i should have. but how could i have felt more comfortable talking to him than i ever have talking to any other boy before. the sex.. that was also me. i guess i wanted it. he wanted it too though. he could have said no. it doesn't always have to be the girl who says no if it doesn't feel right. so i guess because of all of this what happened happened and i loved it and maybe began to love him a teensy bit too.
but now where do we go. what do we do now that we are back in that city and it isn't the same. what is it that made us both miss each other more than a little bit this summer. what were we missing. now i don't know how to be friends with him. i can hardly look him in the eyes because he will so easily be able to see how i'm feeling. we both suck at hiding our feelings. i'm afraid that even looking him in the eyes, hugging him goodbye, will give away the fact that if he asked me today if i wanted to be his girlfriend, i'd say yes. but why do i want that still? practically, i know there were some major no's in the picture. but when your heart gets so involved how can it be totally wrong. i don't want him to know that i might still like him. i want more than anything for him to be my friend and for me just to want to be friends with him. but i need him to be supportive i think. i wish he could just know that i still like him, but know that i'm trying to get over it. i wish he could try to get me to talk about other guys with him. maybe that would be too awkward but maybe it would solidify in my mind his position as just my friend. today is sunday and all i want to do is hang out with him, but what if he doesn't want to hang out with me. or what if i want to hang out, but as soon as we do i can't do it. what if i can't stop thinking of him as more than friends.
turn back the page to childhood
My little brother headed off to college today. He's transferring to UC Santa Cruz and I am so proud of him. He is the most amazing person and I am so lucky to have him for a brother. When we were kids we had all these inside jokes (still do) that would make our family friends jealous. Everyone was always shocked that we got along so well. We prided ourselves on never fighting, although we did have a few disagreements. Like, when he was in high school and refused to wash his hair. Sigh. What can you do? Sometimes boys will be boys. Matthew is going to drive down to help him move in (love him!).
Anthony and I circa the 90s. pretty cute!
yesterday i told my best friend that i was not ready to let him go
unknown
"I believe that you, for the past few weeks have been noticing this. It's nothing dangerous or serious, but I need to get this of my chest. Lately, I've been growing feelings for you. I don't expect that you'll have feelings for me in return, but I want to make sure that there's no misunderstanding, and I want to know how you feel about me."
I finally made myself tell him, while crying hysterically on the phone with my best friend.
I finally made myself tell him that I feel.
That I feel for him, in a way that he does not feel for me.
Yesterday I cried because he had told my best friend that he knows that we have to stop what we're doing.
Yesterday I told my best friend that I was not ready to let him go. Not yet.
Yesterday I was not ready to let him go.
For the past eight weeks we have shared a very physical relationship.
For the past eight weeks my highs have been the highest I have ever had, and the lows have been so very low.
I have never been as happy as when I am with him, and I have never cried this much.
Just because I have known that he is not at his happiest when he is with me.
I know that I remind him about things that he would rather forget.
I know that I remind him everytime we meet, about the time he was cheating with me.
I know that I remind him about one of the most heartbreaking times of his life.
And that is why he will never feel for me in the way that I feel for him.
But, at least, I finally made myself tell him.
-M
Where the Wild Things Are
It's times like these that I really need my friends. This week has been terrible. I think I forgot to mention the car accident with my NEW car last night. It wasn't my fault but the guy isn't taking responsibility for it. So frustrating. Anyway, I think it's always so easy to focus on the negative. Instead of dwelling on the bad I'm trying to focus on how lucky I am. I am so grateful to have amazing, supportive parents, and wonderful, committed friends. Oh and I have the sweetest boyfriend! Hanna and Elizabeth are my two closest friends and I love them more than words can describe. So I have some cute pictures of us from Vegas, even though I said I wasn't going to post them..
We had a wild night, with out wild animal print dresses. It's a Vegas thing, I guess.
Alright well happy Friday!
xox
In Memory of my Grandpa
I haven't been blogging this past week because so much has gone on. My dad got back from his fourth trip to the hospital this summer (initially aortic valve replacement, then arrhythmia, then pneumonia, and most recently unknown infection). So because the infection is unknown my dad is on IV antibiotics twice a day for the next month. It's pretty intense. Monday night my mom got a call from her sister saying their dad, my grandpa, passed away. While he's been sick this past year the timing was a surprise. So my mom flew back to Pittsburgh, and I'm here with my dad. I wish I could go, and so does my dad, but with his current situation it's impossible. I'm sad I didn't go back to see my grandpa recently. He was a really amazing man. He served in WWII with the 101st Airborne Division, Easy Company. Steven Ambrose wrote a book Band of Brothers after them and Steven Spielberg turned it into the HBO miniseries. My grandma and grandpa raised five amazing children, and I am so grateful for his life. Looking at these pictures of him made me miss him even more.
It's cute how I see my mom in him. My mom has been so strong through all of this. She's been dealing with so much and then this happens. I admire her so much. Hopefully I can handle tough situations with maturity, strength and grace. Grandpa, I'll miss you. We'll all miss you. Make sure to look down on us. We need an angel on our side.
i want it gone. all gone.
unknown
Love is hurting me again,
Love is making me cry again.
It's aching in places that didn't ache before.
I say quietly to myself, Please.. Please let me be. Please stop hurting me.
The pain will eventually fade, but the next night, it haunts me again.
Sometimes I wish that there were such magical device like from the movie (Eternal Sunshine of The Spotless Mind). Where you can erase the entire memory of one person you wish to delete. Like deleting his picture from your computer. Permanently. Even if that person made a big impact in your life, even for a short period of time, like, 6 months. I want it gone. All gone. Unrequited love is the most cruelest love out there. I'm in love, all alone. It's been a year since we broke up, of course I'm all alone, what am I thinking? Sorry it's the love gas talking. But it's so strange to be in it all by myself. If he was still in love like I am, he'll be back right? He would tell me, wouldn't he? Here's the thing: Why do we question love? Love should be blunt and straight forward. If he loves you, he'll come back. He'll come back.... Or am I bullshitting myself? There goes the question mark again. I need to get myself out of this loop. I'm in love with a man who doesn't even keep in touch with me anymore. I'm in love with a guy who, I'm pretty sure, doesn't think about me on a daily basis like I do with him. Fuck.
Only because I miss the guy who wouldn't let me get off the phone until he fell asleep.
Only because I miss the guy who was willing to drive 2 hours to come see me.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he loved me first and blushed like a little boy.
Only because I miss the guy who told me he wanted to be with me forever.
Only because he assured me that long distance won't stop him from loving me, that, "I can do it. Don't you worry about that."
The list goes on and on..
We broke it off amicably. The long distance was just too difficult. But we still loved eachother. We said "I love you" before we decided that this wasn't going to work.
That's why I'm here still drowning in that love.
It never left me.
So now I'm alone in love.
I tell myself, "It didn't work for a reason. It's been a year. You've got to move on."
But I always lose that arguement with myself.
I'm lost in love.
The past couple months have been the darkest days of my life. The time is only stretching more and more. And I'm still where I started. The walking wounded.
The unrequited love.
Doesn't matter how many drinks you have with your girlfriends. Because you still go to bed going over every detail, the what if's, the why's, that time you told him "Long distance is hard, I've tried it. I'm not willing to go through it again if you don't think you'll be able to handle it." He reponded with, "Don't worry. I love you too much." and like an idiot, I believed him. Sometimes you even convince yourself that he'll see the light and drive 2 hours to show up at your door.
I'm still waiting for little pieces of my soul to fall back into place. But how much longer? Does time really heal all wounds? Seems like time isn't on my side on this one..
It's been so long since I've seen you (heart pounding)
I miss you so much (throat thickening)
But I need the little pieces of my soul back, however long that may be (absolutely can't swallow)
- Anonymous.
for a savior/ for saving me
unknown
This is for a savior .
I was found a couple of weeks ago, tired of everything. I was ready to give up not only love but school and all that reminded me of home. Along with a number of events, I dug myself a hole where I seemed to lose myself in panic and confusion. But somehow, one night, I was found by this beautiful person, with a heart of an angel. The first night we talked uninterruptedly for six hours, and we continued to talk the next day and the next and the next... After a week when we finally met, we continued to talk. We spoke with words and looks and smiles,.
The other night.-
He kissed me, and it felt like I was falling apart. It felt like he had picked stars from the sky and let them flood through my veins. I shone.
He took my hand as he walked me home; I smiled all night long.
Before I knew it, time passed and I am where I am today. these few weeks, these twelve days feel like months. and there's so much more of this story but it's just details. What matters is that these weeks have given me hope, a light to count on. I know for sure that my heart lies in his his hands; I'm not afraid. His eyes tells me that nothing can go wrong. His heart tells me I am happiness. His words are nothing but the truth.
I know now, for sure, that there are saviors in this world.
They may be rare, but they are there.
He is amazing. I am happiness.
-R ♥ E
__________________________________________________________________________
he saved me.
for a very long time i was deeply depressed.
in a long-term relationship but still feeling lonely
emotionally neglected and taken for granted.
i started to believe i was naturally melancholic
and felt i was destined to live this kind of life
but one day
i saw my childhood crush
after 8 years of silence
and the first day he saw me
he told me he loved me.
i laughed and thought
he was being silly.
but he never let me go
and now a year has passed since that day
and now i'm with him
and finally happy
and at peace
with myself
love
and life.
i thank him
for saving me.
if it wasn't for neale
i wouldn't have a
clue where i
would be
right
now.
i want to share this lil' story
with you
because i
truly believed
it was
impossible to
find real love
but i swear
i found it
i know i have
and have hope
and know
that others will too.
its always
the person
you least
expect.
- galatea
BenjaminsNewShovel
Benjamin came out from Florida this weekend to check out his new shovel I made for him. SUper cool cat and down with old bikes. I cant wait for him to be cruisin back in Florida Thanks Ben
PoopBrownHatsAreFinallyIn
Poop Brown Hats Are Finally In so check the store Lovecycles.bigcartel.com they are regular size and fit nice
DavenportandBack3800miles
William made it all the way to davenport Iowa from phoenix and then back 3800 miles on his 1954 fle Panhead I wish I could of gone with him it was a rad experience for him to cross the country on a 50+ year old bike 
he says he doesn't know what love is
zimba
all of your emails are so inspiring. i get SO many everyday and wish i could post it all, but that would mean blogging 24 hours a day. thanks to all who have submitted and thanks to A for this email:
Alright. So here I am, 2.30am in the morning, going home from work, my heart is in so much pain, I am trying to find some sort of logical reason how that person who I am keep trying to establish a healthy relationship just let me lose him again.
He says he doesn't know what love is. He says he has never felt it. Only has been told that it's something amazing and fantastic and wonderful... But he doubts he has ever experienced it.
This made me want to find the right way to explain it to him - or maybe just to myself - what LOVE is.
Because I've been there, it happened to me. I guess love is an instant thing. It's either there or not. And it happens so quickly, you don't even notice it.
When you meet with that special person the first time, you know nothing about each other. Nothing at all. And despite all the rationality something just happen. You want to spend hours with that person, you want to just listen to what he/she says - even if it would be a big pile of rubbish if it'd come out from somebody else's mouth.
He/she makes you laugh like no others.
You can be the strongest, most confident person in the whole wide World, but you just can't stop those shaky legs, don't seem to be able to put one sensible sentence together - nor stop talking because you are too worried it will get awkward and weird.
At the end of the night of your first date you wish time would stop there and then at that perfect moment - when only the two of you exist in the Universe - would never end.
You've just said goodbye 5 minutes ago but you already feel like you have many new stories to tell him/her.
You can't sleep because all you can think of how great you felt with that person and you are trying to figure how can it be so easy and smooth.
You get changed several times before the next date because you want to make sure you look your best and he/she just won't be able to take his/her eyes off you.
And then all of a sudden this person becomes part of your every moment in the day.
You can't focus at work, keep recalling those perfect nights together, call in sick because you want to stay in bed with him/her as long as possible, you are so proud of this person in your life that you want to introduce him/her to everyone from the local postman to you best friends and your family, and this is the person who is the reason why you cancel dinner with your best friend...
And then.. You realize that so much time gone past and that person is still there. And you became one very special and unique thing together that you never want to lose. Hopefully it lasts for a while.
But there are times when it comes to an end. And I don't know why. I guess as us, humans constantly growing, developing, making changes and decisions in our lives as individuals; creates the chance to grow apart.
And it hurts. And seems like the end of the World has came. And you suffer. Can't eat or sleep. Want to hate the one, think of every bad and negative you can just remember of but still can't hate him/her.
This is love. Still. Even if it's now making you suffer.
And then it starts again.
And you are putting your heart out there for someone else who might break it, but who cares when it's feels soooo good to have that warm and fuzzy feeling inside for whatever long it lasts? :)
-A.
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