i don't feel guilty


When I was seventeen I saw you at a friend's birthday party. It was black and red themed for some reason, and you showed up in black skinny jeans and a red shirt with a red indian feather in your hair. You were twenty two. I saw you from a distance and thought you were the cutest thing I'd seen. I asked your friends if you were into guys, and to my delight I found out you were. I was sloppy drunk and really wanted to talk to you, I spoke to you in broken spanish sounding foolish, but there was still some sort of connection. My friend was drunk and throwing up so I had to take her home..... but I mustered up the cojones to ask for your number before we left. we talked via internet chat and went out. I will never forget that first date. It was the best first date ever. You were my night in shining armor. Right as I got downtown to meet you at the movies when I told my father I was going out to study with my best friend, my car bellows smoke overheating and you wait with me to see my car towed and take me home, we shared ourselves. and you thought I'd blow you off after that because I'm pretty and young.

We shared an intimate romantic secretive winter together which I'll never forget....going out to 'study' all the time. I fell in love with you. Even though from the first day we met I knew you were going to leave me. You were moving to Europe for grad school. I was still in highschool, you speak four languages, dress well, carry yourself right, and are exactly what I want and treat me so well, like nobody I've ever been with before. You love me for who I am. Not just because I'm physically attractive, and you appreciate me.

You left me in January and moved to Italy, I was completely fucked up after that. More than you'll ever know. I drank more than ever. I smoked more than ever. I was practically catatonic. and then I start to get over you, and then I hear you have a new Italian boyfriend. I'm crushed. Time goes on, still not over you. I meet another guy, he lives in portland. We had a long distance relationship and he cheated on me and hurt me worse than you ever were capable of. And it only made me love you more because you would never have dragged me across the country to fuck me up.

You come in and out of my life for christmas and spring vacations because your family still lives here. I know you have a new relationship so I try to respect that. You've moved on. I haven't. and It's the hardest thing to be next to you and not be with you. Not to hold your hand or kiss you at a stop light, but I can't help but wanting to spend all of my time with you....you're leaving in a few days. And I'm glad we finally were intimate with each other again. The sexual tension could be cut with a knife....then again we've never been able to get past the first 20 minutes of watching a movie together. But you feel bad because you still have that Italian boyfriend...But I really don't. You have no idea how much I care about you. And it may sound immature, but..........I saw you first, and I don't feel guilty at all.

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