wishful

sensing-owls

I was dating a boy in law school, just graduated college, was hired onto my first "real" job and looking for a place to live. I decided to go on Craigslist and search for a guy roommate. I had made an appointment to meet with a guy and told my boyfriend to call the cops if he did not hear from me within the hour. Probably not the smartest thing to look at a strangers apartment in the evening. I showed up to this cruddy looking apartment complex, knocked on the door and this dropped dead tall man opened it. It was love at first sight or I like to call it Lust at first sight. We started talking and instantly felt a connection; he asked me how soon I could move in, I told him that week.

I called my best friend after leaving the apartment to let her know I found him! the one I had been waiting 10+ years for. I knew that I needed to break up with my current boyfriend and in reality there was no way I was moving in with this gorgeous man, but i definitely wanted to date him. I called him 2 days later and confessed; I can't move in with you, take me out to dinner. he laughed and said "shouldn't I be the one asking you on a date" from the moment forward we dated. I pictured us moving in together, getting married having kids etc. I loved him with all my heart and soul, I woke up early in the morning made him breakfast, cleaned his room, went on all the trips he wanted to go on. He pushed me to be more adventurous; camping, white water rafting, biking..... Did everything that I thought would make him happy. I lost contact with 90% of my friends, but it was ok because his friends became my friends.

A year and half into the relationship I received a job offer with my dream company. It was a surf company that would allow me to travel and grow in my career. I took it! I begin to travel and notice myself becoming independent again the way I was before my world revolved around him. At one point we did not see each other for 3 weeks, the week we finally were back in each other’s arms I felt something different. So confused, my body felt drained. I realized for the 2 years we were together it was all about him, what made him happy, what he wanted to do, what was convenient to him. I broke up with him. He was so shocked and angry, but I told him I was exhausted. As much as I loved him, I needed the same love back. He drained me. It’s been a year since the break up and I there have been many times I begged him to get back with me. I have to constantly remind myself that the choice I made was for the best. My heart still feels like a part of it is missing. I still don’t know what this means, I don’t know if I will ever find someone that I loved as much as him. I am hopeful that the day I marry “the one” there will be no question in my mind how much he loves me, as much love I give to him I will receive back……and my heart will be complete again. **wishful

xoxo

J

but i'm afraid

unknown

i don't feel guilty

ffffound

When I was seventeen I saw you at a friend's birthday party. It was black and red themed for some reason, and you showed up in black skinny jeans and a red shirt with a red indian feather in your hair. You were twenty two. I saw you from a distance and thought you were the cutest thing I'd seen. I asked your friends if you were into guys, and to my delight I found out you were. I was sloppy drunk and really wanted to talk to you, I spoke to you in broken spanish sounding foolish, but there was still some sort of connection. My friend was drunk and throwing up so I had to take her home..... but I mustered up the cojones to ask for your number before we left. we talked via internet chat and went out. I will never forget that first date. It was the best first date ever. You were my night in shining armor. Right as I got downtown to meet you at the movies when I told my father I was going out to study with my best friend, my car bellows smoke overheating and you wait with me to see my car towed and take me home, we shared ourselves. and you thought I'd blow you off after that because I'm pretty and young.

We shared an intimate romantic secretive winter together which I'll never forget....going out to 'study' all the time. I fell in love with you. Even though from the first day we met I knew you were going to leave me. You were moving to Europe for grad school. I was still in highschool, you speak four languages, dress well, carry yourself right, and are exactly what I want and treat me so well, like nobody I've ever been with before. You love me for who I am. Not just because I'm physically attractive, and you appreciate me.

You left me in January and moved to Italy, I was completely fucked up after that. More than you'll ever know. I drank more than ever. I smoked more than ever. I was practically catatonic. and then I start to get over you, and then I hear you have a new Italian boyfriend. I'm crushed. Time goes on, still not over you. I meet another guy, he lives in portland. We had a long distance relationship and he cheated on me and hurt me worse than you ever were capable of. And it only made me love you more because you would never have dragged me across the country to fuck me up.

You come in and out of my life for christmas and spring vacations because your family still lives here. I know you have a new relationship so I try to respect that. You've moved on. I haven't. and It's the hardest thing to be next to you and not be with you. Not to hold your hand or kiss you at a stop light, but I can't help but wanting to spend all of my time with you....you're leaving in a few days. And I'm glad we finally were intimate with each other again. The sexual tension could be cut with a knife....then again we've never been able to get past the first 20 minutes of watching a movie together. But you feel bad because you still have that Italian boyfriend...But I really don't. You have no idea how much I care about you. And it may sound immature, but..........I saw you first, and I don't feel guilty at all.

look book: slightly blue & green

I got this dress at the big Urban sale the other month. It was only $10 and I knew I'd wear it a lot this summer.. I was right! I swear it's so hard for me to shop at Urban when there's not a sale going on. I just can't justify a big purchase when I'm sure I'll see it on the sale rack in a few months. {I can be so cheap sometimes!} I love the mix of blues with green and the sweetheart neckline.

dress and tote Urban, straw wedges Calvin Klein

It's so sad for me to think that July is almost over! Where is the summer going?! I'm feeling slightly blue that the weather has been so strange. I want to go to the beach but it's just too cold. Definitely not warm, sunny, clear sky, beach weather that we're used to over here!

How's the weather in your neck of the woods?

p.s. ignore my wrinkly dress!

just because...

unknown

Support for Joey

My good buddy Joey from HOTW got hit yesterday on his bike by a bad min van driver out in Boston. I spoke with his girl and she said he is doing ok but is pretty banged up. We are praying for his swift recovery. They have set up a support fund for him on the blog when you buy a tee the proceeds will go to help him out. SUPPORT JOEY Get well buddy!!!!

risk

thedisneyprincess

“Cinderella walked on broken glass, Sleeping beauty let her whole life pass by, Belle fell in love with a beast, Pocahontas risked her life for a feast, Jasmine could have had anyone but she chose a poor man, and Ariel, she walked on land.”

So many people dislike fairytales because it makes us believe in love, believe that a prince will swoop down and save us when something goes wrong. But I’ve come to realise that in every fairytale-like movie, every girl took a risk. Took a risk for love, took a risk in the name of love.

So, how do we know if our own fairytale won’t really happen if we don’t try, if we stop believing in love?

I know it’s hard for some of you to put down their guard and to learn to trust someone else sometimes. I know because I’ve been through it. People like us, we distance ourselves from people we genuinely like just because we are afraid to get hurt. But does building up these walls ultimately saves us from hurting?

It doesn’t.

We’ve got to know that these people, the people we are blocking out because of our own insecurities, will leave someday too. Leave for something better. Everyone will cause you pain and hurt and tears, but you have to decide who’s worth it. And when you make that decision, happiness will come to you. =)

Luv,
Aizhen

celebrating matthew

On Friday Matthew and I went down to San Diego to celebrate his birthday with his family and also to celebrate his Grandma's big 80th birthday! On Friday night we had dinner at his parents house. His dad grilled salmon and his mom made a delicious Texas Sheet Cake!


helping with the salad

Matthew's beautiful sister Grace


Matthew and his mom Lisa

Grace's adorable baby boy Jack!

Matthew's niece Olivia and I had matching braids!!

Afterwards Matthew's whole family {grandma, grandpa, mom, dad, aunts, uncles, cousins, sisters, brother, nieces and nephews} went to see Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat on the top of Mount Helix. It was really cool to sit in an open air theater and have nothing above you but the moon and stars. It got a little chilly but everyone had blankets!

I hope you all had a great weekend! I'll be playing catch up these next couple days. I've been so busy this past week!

Rasta Brian and his sweet 62 sportster

Brian brought his 62 sporty down today, my favorite sportster of all time such a nice little bike. Harley was making real sweet bikes back then and brian is doing a good job of keepin his beast on the road. My Purple 70 and Brians 62 sure look good together. We did a little messin around in the dirt lot behind the shop. I broke my clutch cable and Brian did and liitle tweakin on his bike after blazin through a sink hole good stuff on good little bikes. Join the sportster revolution

i love _________

tumblr/weheartit

open ended boy

kelsey reckling

I sometimes feel like I'm such a walking cliché. Being a commitment phobic doesn't make me seem edgy, more different or more complex. It's a fact, one I have had doubts about, but has just been called out on by my best friend tonight. He told me that he's getting concerned about how I seem to be falling into an easy habit of making out with everything that moves when I'm a bit drunk. As a girl who has just finished her first year of university, that's probably normal, but after he said that, I have realised it has become a lifestyle, one that is kind of hard to break.

I believe in amazing love songs, cry at the sappiest ending in films, write about relationships as a creative outlet...I want to be a writer when I'm older. These signs point to 'romantic', so why then, do I not let myself believe and fall all the way in?

I have fallen before, let my guard down, with a slightly emotionally unavailable guy I met in the dorms, I have fallen before, for someone who was bad for me, and I have tried to fall for someone who was nice, who was constant, but I ended up running anyway. I have recently fallen again, for a guy who lives halfway across the world, one who I may not see again for a few years. Half of his family lives in the same city as me, and the other half lives across the ocean.

We've known each other since we were thirteen, and we keep re connecting different parts of 'us' (if I can even call it that), whenever we can. Email, facebook, face to face. As time goes on and we try less and less, it becomes a shock to finally meet again, and to learn how much we have both changed, both physically and emotionally, and how comforting it is to realise that we're the same kids we've always been.

So from then we begin a two day commitment. Dinner, drinks, lunch, movie, phone calls, texts and skype sessions. We kissed for the first time, and he kisses just like I hoped and wanted him to, and somewhere along the line, the commitment phobic began to give pieces of herself she never really did.

At the movies, we just kissed, and held hands, and when I put my head on his strong shoulders, I felt safe, I felt stable. I felt like the feeling didn't send me running in the opposite direction. I have let my guards down before, but this time, it felt promising, instead of unstable. I don't really want to know what that could mean. How could a commitment phobic fall so fast in two days?

The night he left for the airport, we skyped for three hours and I ended up sleeping in the whole day afterwards, but I didn't care. I told him about my fear of vulnerability, of sensitivity, and he took it. He said it was normal, and during the conversation I kept telling myself to pull away, to not get too attached because I don't know when he'll be back again. He said it could be a few years; stupid colleges and sports.

I don't like commitment, I get scared of giving someone parts of me that they could break. I don't like admitting to feelings, even though I have a lot of them. So while I'm smiling at the fact that this could be left open ended, I am telling myself that there's no way we'll maintain this skype-facebook flirtation for long. I am an optimist for life but a terrible cynic for love.

I know that he'll be at the back of my mind for a while, so while I do my 'single girl' thing, maybe there'll be a fraction of me that would feel like I'm cheating on someone who is halfway across the world.

I might just allow myself to fall someday, if not with him, then someone else. But him, my 'open ended boy', has taught me, in the span of two days, that maybe falling (if not cautiously) may not be such a terrible thing to endure.

benny the bonshakers panhead

Benny over in the UK sent me this sweet pic of his 51 pan he just fininshed check him out he is doin tons of good stuff atBoneshakers. Awesome bike buddy

for just me

tumblr

happy birthday matthew!

Today is a very special day! It's this cute boy's birthday! I am also especially excited because it's the first birthday of his that we've shared together. The last two years he was up in SF and I was down here. We celebrated when I saw him the following weekends but it's definitely different and more special to celebrate in person!

Matthew, I love you so much!
This day makes me so happy because it marks your life,
a life that's made mine so special and sweet and fun.
I can't wait for the many more birthdays we'll celebrate together
I love you lots!!
xox

photo taken by Kim D.

love between my family

clarence chin

The last couple of weeks I'm start to realize some things I need to get of my chest. This is my story of the love between my mother and my father, the love between my mother and my stepfather, and the love between my family, or the lack of it.

As long as I can remember, my mother and father were never a happy couple. They weren't meant to be with each other. I never saw anything resembled to love between them. My father had some messed up issues, he made my mother go through a lot of shit. I was to young to notice, to young to understand. My mother was strong and at some day she decided to choose for a happy life with me and my brother, without my father. She needed to leave him in order to protect us. She choose for herself.

The three of us were a team. We'll get through this, like we always do. We still visited my father twice a week. We loved spending time with him. Especially me. I never understood his problems the way my brother and my mother did. Me and my brother were everything to my father, he'd do anything for his. The love he had for us was meant to last forever.

I've always respected my mother for her decision of leaving him and putting herself first. She did. She got a new boyfriend. Someone who loved her unconditionally and would do anything for her, this was just what she needed. After 8 years now, they're still so much in love I can't even describe it. They're a team. My mother and my stepfather are always sticking up for each other and can't spent one day without each other. Also, he was good for me and my brother, he's always been nice. I'm happy for my mother that she found love after so much shit that my father put her through. She found love and still after 8 years, she couldn't be happier.

As my mother and my stepfather were becoming closer and closer, I became to notice that in this process, she distanced herself from me and my brother. She puts herself and her new husband first, she choose him above us. I know this because the last couple of years the relationship I'm having with my mother is becoming to bother me a lot. We are not as close as we used to be. We don't share intense emotional stories, we don't share feelings. It never goes further than: 'What's for dinner?, How did your maths test go? Are you going out tonight? What ever happened to that guy you brought home a couple of times?' I know she loves us, she cares for us. But after everything she got through in her life, she decided to choose for herself. She found a new love, she is happy.

My mother is sweet and I'm happy for her. But it's hard when I don't receive the love I wish I received from my mother. There are days when I'm depressed, I cry myself to sleep. And she doesn't notice this. She has no clue what's going on in my life. And it's not that I'm not putting myself out there. I try to share. I try to communicate with her. But when I'm telling her something, I just know that she's not focused, she's not listening. She just keeps watching the time and wishing my stepfather was coming home. Again, I'm happy that she found love again but I wish that she'd put some more love and attention in me and my brother.

My father on the other hand, was focused, he was listening. We connected and he understood me. He always got me. Whenever something was bothering me, he noticed immediately. It was nice having someone around who knows the actual me and gave me the feeling he would literally go through fire for me. But as I already mentioned, he had issues. He was a drug addict. 3 years ago he couldn't deal with this any longer and he put an end to his life. I miss him so much and I feel powerless not having him around anymore. It was a big loss, but at the back of the mind everyone was thinking: it's probably for the best, for him to maybe find peace in heaven, and for us to not being bothered with his issues anymore. My brother accepted it, my mother accepted it and everyone moved on, except me.

My brother is not dealing with this stuff the way I am since he is just like my mother. He's a rational and a little more cold person and everything's fine. I'm longing for more attention and love but since my father's death I'm not receiving this. There's no one out there anymore who knows and gets me the way my father did. He was able to dig deep with me, my mother isn't anymore as I'm feeling the way she's not caring for me the way she used to.

So I stop seeking for my mothers love and attention, I've giving up on her and I can't wait to leave this house. I would never show this, I smile, I don't want to give her anymore drama in her life. She is happy and she should stay this way. So I'm hoping to find the great love she's having right now and maybe there is someone out there who's able to dig deep with me and understands me the way my father could. I've dated guys but I never found someone who stuck with my long enough to get to know me. I hate this feeling. I hope, I dream about the day I'll find a man who does.

xx
SB9

Air Force memories

It was 1999 and I was 19 years old. I had the raddest job I was a MC-130 H/P crew chief stationed in Mildenhall England. I got to deploy all over the place with my plane I was the 2nd wipe on the plane so I went where she did and did the maintenance when we hit the ground. We did troop drops, food drops, in-flight helicopter refuels and everything else in between it was awesome I sure miss it. When you are in the moment you never really realize all the things you are seeing and doing i sure wish I could do it again. I found a bunch of cool pics I shot on deployments I will post a couple here and there good times

Incirlick Turkey 1999 MC-130P me just in front

Sarajevo 1999 MC-130H me on left in camo with crew

status

9gag

look book: santa barbara mission

The Santa Barbara Mission is such a great landmark and while it's definitely a tourist spot I'd say it's a must-see! On our Santa Barbara outing I wore this new dress that I got from Tulle. I love that it's a heavier seersucker fabric but it's still light enough to keep me cool! I also love the drop waist and how the skirt part puffs out a little bit! It's simple but still girly!

dress Tulle, shoes Jeffrey Campbell, sunglasses Persol

It was so fun to read all of your answers to my questions yesterday! You are definitely a diverse and interesting group and it's great to learn more about each one of you. If you were wondering what food I'd eat eat every day it's sushi!! I just think I'd never get sick of it because there are so many possibilities. Matthew says his is pizza. I think we'll test it out one day to see who goes the longest! {put your bets on me}

I'm going to be somewhat offline for the rest of the week. I'm doing some emergency babysitting for my neighbor whose mom is in the hospital in Arizona. She left yesterday and I've been with her two kids playing temporary mom. Also, Ginger got spayed yesterday so she's been a bit of a handful. Everything went well in surgery but she's still in some pain. She's calmly resting on my lap right now {something she hardly ever does!}. Also it's Matthew's birthday week!! So I'm trying to get some special things together for him :) So thanks for understanding if I don't respond to emails and comments right away. I promise I will get to them!!

Have a great day everyone!

xox

Canyon Lake

Me and the family headed up to Canyon Lake today to escape the city heat and have a nice swim. I hadn't been there in 20 plus years since I was just a kid. My mom and pop use to take us there when were little. Its about 60 miles east of Phoenix nestled in the superstition mountains. You know the lost dutchman miner? Arizona is truely a beautiful place. If you ever have the chance to go to canyon lake it is a really sweet ride lots of twists and turns and at the end you can reward yourself with a dip in the lake. As we left I saw this sweet trike on the side of the road, this guy had also headed to the lake to go for a swim but he packed the whole family of four on with him good stuff to see. I think we will be headin back there again soon..

please

unknown

I hate what you’re doing to me.

I’ve become one of those girls I used to cringe at. I use to think it was a joke, girls and guys going out at my age. We’re only 16 and the chances are, we’re not going to marry out of high school, have a couple of kids and grow old together. That just rarely happens. So I never liked anyone. It was pointless, enjoy the single life while you’re young and when you grow up a bit, that’s when you think about relationships. But like I said, I’ve become one of those girls. It scares me. I’ve known you since I was five. I’m comfortable with you, and it’s been 3 months of liking you. A feeling of insanity that I am consciously aware of but can’t do anything about. I don’t know if it’s love. I guess it’s not. But it’s close to it. A girl stands in front of a mirror for half an hour each morning before school preparing herself to look good in hopes that she might see the boy she liked that day even though the chances were 1 in 10, it must be close to love, or obsession at least.

And I hate it. Because I’m not the only one that’s changed. You have too. You’re becoming a part of that group that I hate. Who only meet together because the idea of being friends with each other is appealing, not because you’re genuinely friends, it’s not what we had. You’re beginning to think too highly of yourself. You act too arrogant for me now, like it wouldn’t mean anything to you if I were to go away. And it kills me. I can feel the separation and as much as i hate you for what you’re becoming, i still like you. Every time i see you I fall right back to where I was when I saw you at the party and realized i liked you.

I can’t be wearing myself out for you. And each day I believe i’m becoming more like myself again. With each day that i think about you less, I know I’m leading towards what is better for me. But there are no days yet that I go without thinking about you. And the part of me that thinks about you doesn’t want to stop. And it’s tearing me apart. I literally feel this ache inside me when I think about you, how is that possible?

And then I remind myself that you’re becoming a completely different person. And maybe, once you fully develop into him, I won’t like you anymore, because he’s not the real you. But then there’s the fucking ache of thinking that i’ll lose you, as a friend. So what am I to do? All I can come to right now is to sit and watch this play out, and hope to God that you don’t disappear into someone else.

Please don’t disappear. Please give me a reason to stop liking you.

Please, stop what you’re doing to me.

weekend highlights

Minus the sweltering heat this was one of the best weekends I've had all summer! Here's a little recap of what we did:

Fri night/Sat morning: homemade shoestring fries, tasty orange drinks, fresh chocolate croissants

Saturday: a beach day in Venice

Sunday: the drive home from the dog park {Ginger got so dirty Matthew and I had to hose her off before leaving!}

Things not documented: surprise cupcakes from Matthew on Friday from Vanilla, watching the first episode of Six Feet Under, tasty sandwiches from Bay Cities Deli, grilling and cooking shrimp quesadillas with Matthew, cleaned off my dresser and desk!!, swimsuit shopping {ick}, the "Matt's Choice" Jamba Juice {Peach Pleasure with strawberries}, and family time!

I hope you all had a wonderful weekend as well!

I just noticed that this blog of mine has reached 500 followers! I'm seriously in shock. Your support and kind words have meant so much to me and I'm thrilled to have met you all through this wonderful and expansive blogging community! I've decided to put back the link on my sidebar for my formspring. So if any of you have any questions for me please ask away!

I also want to know all of you a little better so here are three fun questions:
1). Name and location
2). Why did you start blogging?
3). If you could have one food every day what would it be?
4). optional Random fact about yourself! {I always hate this one but I'm sure they'll be some interesting answers!}

Happy Monday!

used