destroy a beautiful person

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I so not get it. At all. I am involved with a guy. A good man. He is one of the most beautiful persons I ever met. On the inside and the outside. I loved him more than words ever can describe.

Tonight I craving for another guy. I am not who I used to be. Even since I left the capital of Sweden and move to another town to study in one of the best University in the whole country I have been happier. And the reason is; I am not with him. The guy that I am supposed to love and craving for. I am near that other guy. I wish he’ll just knock on my door; because I know he is driving his friends in to town. 50 meters from where my apartment is. He knows exactly where my door is. He knows the code into the building. He knows how I laugh, how I joke, how I sleep, how I kiss and how I go from being a sleepyhead to full of energy in the morning. He loves that about me.

But he is not the one who is supposed to know all this stuff. The thing is; I know I always manage to put myself in these situations. The totally wrong and messed up situations. But I’ll always be fine. I’ll be ok. Most of the time.

The thing is. I am going to hurt him. But what am I waiting for? Make him cry now, or in a couple of weeks? I know I am doing a lot of things wrong. That someone’s can see me as a mean and heartless person; the truth is, I am full of love. But I am also full of the will to survive on my own. I protect myself; but I love. But not always the whole way thru; but I truly, deeply and constantly love people that is surrounding me. But I have just experience the feeling when love goes to ‘’just like’’. I hate to hurt him. Because he loves me with his whole heart.

Why do I have to completely destroy a beautiful person who deserves to not be destroyed by me?

-FB